


I Need To Keep Your Heart Beating

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandonment, Confessions, Confrontations, Confusion, Death, First Time, Fluff, Hiding, Loss, M/M, Revenge, Smut, Starting Over, Trust, keeping secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 11:41:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 41,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8247454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: Dean is at a loss when his father is killed leaving him, at only 18 years old, to take care of his 14 year old brother. The only two things his father taught him were to protect Sam and continue to seek vengeance. It isn't until a blue eyed stranger shows up that he starts to see that maybe there is something more to life. It isn't until he's in too deep that he learns that the stranger has secrets, secrets that could destroy everything that he loves.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This one has been a true labor of love. I have written, re-written, and edited it so many times. I have actually written and posted two or three other works before I was able to finish this. I am more nervous and critical of this writing than I have been with any of my others. Please enjoy and feel free to comment on what I got wrong and what I got right. Thanks for reading!

Ellen couldn't hear what Bobby was saying when he took the phone outside to talk, but his eyes were empty when he came back and set it down. "That was Dean Winchester. John is dead." he mumbled.

Ellen reached out and pulled her husband into her arms. "I'm so sorry Bobby, I know he was a good friend."

"I'm worried about those boys," he said quietly. "Dean just turned 18 this year, and I think that Sam is getting ready to start high school. They're only a few hours away. I let Dean know that I'd be leaving here to go help him make some arrangements."

"Of course, Bobby. You bring those boys back here. Living on the road like they always have isn't right."

"Dean is more bullheaded than his father was, he'll fight me. I'm going to throw some things together. I told him that I'd be there tonight."

Ellen watched Bobby climb the stairs to go pack a bag. They'd all lost too many people that they loved because of their line of work. Now the Winchester boys were all alone. 

\-------------------------

Dean hung up the pay phone in the hospital lobby and leaned back against the wall. They'd already taken his father's body to the morgue. They told him they'd hold it for 72 hours and he had just enough money to keep the motel room for a couple of nights. He looked over at his brother, Sam, sleeping curled up on a loveseat in the corner, Dean's jacket thrown over him for warmth. Dean had been living on coffee and pure adrenaline for the last two days while the doctors did everything they could to keep their father alive. Now it was over and he just wanted to take Sam somewhere where he could spread out on a bed and cover himself with a blanket.

"Sammy, " he whispered, nudging the skinny body. "Come on, it's time to go."

Sam just sat up and looked at him, his eyes glassy and dazed. At 14 he was mature beyond his years, but he still couldn't understand any of this. He handed Dean his jacket and stood up to follow him out to the car. They drove silently to the motel and Sam had curled up on one of the beds before Dean had the door closed behind him. Dean covered him with a blanket and watched his brother sleep before he went outside to wait for Bobby. He knew that it would take hours, but he couldn't just sit in that room, not when so many of his father's things were still in there. He'd get it all cleared out before Sam woke up, he just couldn't bring himself to do it right now. He ran to the 24 hour diner across the street and grabbed a black coffee to go. He lifted himself up to sit on the back of the car, set the hot cardboard cup next to him, and opened his father's journal, running his fingers across the pages. He'd never really looked at it before, he'd never been allowed to, but maybe it would help him understand why he and Sam had been raised the way that they had. Maybe it would help him to understand the man who raised his sons to be cold blooded killers all in the name of vengeance.

\-------------------------

Dean was just packing the last of his father's things into a bag when he saw the headlights. He ran outside before Bobby could cut the engine and leaned down into the car window, "just park over there at the diner. I'll leave Sam a note and I'll meet you." Bobby nodded and threw it in reverse. Dean took one last look around the room to make sure that he had everything put away. He still had the journal in his hand, he had a lot of questions that maybe Bobby could answer. He scrawled a quick note on the cheap motel stationary and locked the door behind him. Bobby was leaning against his car when Dean jogged across the street and he reached out to pull him into a bear hug. "I'm sorry son." Dean just nodded and patted the older man on the back, the fact that he was holding John's journal didn't go unnoticed.

Bobby guessed that Dean hadn't eaten in days. He'd probably used any money that they had to keep that motel room for a few more nights and make sure that Sam was taken care of. Dean looked weary, exhausted, but it was obvious that he hadn't shed a tear. He was stoic by nature, almost cold and untouchable. The only time he ever showed any type of emotion was when it came to that little brother of his. "How's Sam holding up?" Bobby asked, after he finally convinced Dean to order something.

"I don't know. It all happened so quickly. I mean a few days ago, everything was fine. Today I'm signing paperwork saying that we'll take the body for a private burial. Sam, he's just...I don't even know. He hasn't said much. I mean, he gets it. The life we live, the shit that we do, it's dangerous. And the old man, he lost a step. He was right behind me and then I turned around and he was gone. I had to backtrack to find him. I still don't know what happened. The doctors kept saying shit like 'blunt force trauma' and 'internal bleeding', but that doesn't make any sense. We'd taken down a werewolf, single shot. There's wasn't anything else out there, Bobby."

"Son, in this line of work there is always something else out there."

They ate in silence. 

\-------------------------

Instead of looking at the slow burning fire, Sam just stared at the ground. He knew that this is how things were supposed to be, that this is what his father would want, but it didn't make it any easier to watch. He always knew that one day he would lose his father, or Dean, or both. He almost hated himself for the amount of relief he felt that it wasn't Dean up there, Dean had always meant everything to him. The brothers and Bobby stood there silently long after John Winchester's funeral pyre had burned to the ground. Neither of the boys could bring themselves to walk away, and Bobby knew that they just needed time. Finally Dean wrapped an arm around Sam's shoulders and led him to the car. They'd said their goodbye.

\-------------------------

"I think that you should just come stay with us, Dean."

"Bobby I appreciate the offer..."

"Don't you think that Sam deserves a better hand than the one that you were dealt?" Bobby knew that was the easiest way to get Dean to agree. Dean always wanted what was best for Sam. "We've got a good high school. He can start in the fall with Ellen's daughter, Jo. She's the same age as Sam. He could be a kid for once."

Dean started pacing and rubbing his forehead, a mannerism he'd picked up from his father. "You know that's not fair. You know that I want to do what's right by Sam, but I don't want to be a burden on you. I already feel like shit for calling you and asking you to come all of the way here to help us with the funeral. I can't ask you to take us in."

"You're right, you can't. I'm insisting. I'll call Ellen and let her know that we'll be home by tomorrow afternoon. It's the right thing to do for your little brother, you can't fight me on that."

\-------------------------

Jo looked out of the window when she heard the cars on the gravel drive. She learned two things when she saw the Winchester brothers. That it was almost impossible not to fall in love with Dean, and that it was Sam's sweet eyes and dimples that would make him the center of attention when school started in a couple of months. 

\-------------------------

"You're really thinking of staying in the life? Are you crazy, Dean? This is your opportunity to leave, to get out of the game."

Dean looked at the older man sitting across the table from him, "Bobby, it's the only life I know."

"And you're willing to put yourself out there? You're all that Sam has left."

"Don't you think that I know that? But for as long as I can remember, I have been told that by hunting we are saving people. You lived it, you know about all of the nasty shit that is out there. Vampires, werewolves, vengeful spirits, and those are the easy ones. This life, killing these monsters, it's what I'm good at. It's who I am. You know that I have to keep going."

Bobby knew that even at 18, Dean was as stubborn as the day is long. He wasn't going to change his mind, he was going to keep hunting. "You can't hunt alone, and I hung up my hat years ago. At least let me find somebody for you to work with. You've worked with other hunters before. Stay for a few months, help Sam get settled and let me put some feelers out. I can't let you go out there by yourself."

Dean sighed and took a sip of the scotch that Bobby had poured for him. He may only be 18, but he'd become a grown man a long time ago. Sooner than he should have. 

\------------------------

Dean got restless, Dean started to feel like a caged animal, Dean needed to hunt. 

 

John Winchester had been one of the best. Rumor had it that Dean Winchester was better, but he was dangerously cocky. His approach was arrogant and reckless. Sometimes survival felt uncertain and it slowly became clear that nobody could work with him, not for very long. 

\-------------------------

"I'm running out of phone numbers to dial. You're earning yourself quite a reputation, but that's not necessarily a good thing. What in the hell are you doing, boy?"

"I'm doing what I've always done, Bobby. I go out there, I find shit, and I kill it." 

"Well apparently ya ain't always doing it safely."

"I come home don't I?"

Bobby sighed, he hated these conversations. "Now I know that some of John's methods were questionable, but he's been gone for over a year, Dean. I understand that you're hot headed, but maybe you need to learn how to ease up a little."

"Learn it from where, Bobby? The Hunting 101 textbook that doesn't fucking exist? When I go out there, I do things the only way that I know how. I know that this is the part where you tell me that I'm still young enough to change. Hell, you might even pour me a drink and try to talk me into hanging it up. If I'm real lucky, you'll pull the 'Sam' card on me."

"He's a bright kid, Dean. He sees what's going on. He deserves..."

"He deserves a brother that's around? Is that where this is going?"

"You spend more time out there in the field than you do at home with your family, that's all I'm saying."

"You're right. You are, and that makes me a shitty brother and a selfish asshole. I am well aware of that, trust me. Sam means everything to me and that's why I brought him here. I wasn't in any position to take care of him after our dad died, I'm still not. But look at him, the kid is an honor's student, he doesn't get in trouble, he's already talking about going to law school after he graduates. Obviously the decisions that I made were the right ones. There was no saving me, I was already too far gone. By the time I was his age my kill count was in the hundreds. It's who I am. This life, it's a fucking disease, Bobby, and I don't want him anywhere near it. Maybe after I find that thing that killed our mother and I destroy it, things will change. But I have unfinished business."

"That was your father's unfinished business, not yours."

"No, it's mine too. If that thing, that demon hadn't killed her we would not have been raised in this life. I'd be working some nine to five job, probably shacked up with some chick, and Sam would be in high school in Kansas still living with John and Mary Winchester. I know that everybody thinks that my old man was crazy, but it doesn't change the fact that I have to know. If it's out there I have to find it and I have to send it back to where it came from. If I have to do it alone, then I'll do it alone. I would rather have Sam pissed off at me and living a normal life than being dragged around the country, staying in cheap motels because I'm fucked up in the head."

"I can't have you hunting alone, Dean."

"I'm not going to stop, not yet. So we either find someone who is willing to put up with my shit, or I go solo."

"You are as bullheaded as they come. Will you at least stick around for a couple of weeks? Give me some time to try and figure something out. Sleep on the sofa, eat some actual home cookin', and let your little brother drive that damn car of yours. He's been itchin' to get behind the wheel of that '67 Impala ever since he got his learners permit."

"Okay, a couple of weeks." Dean sighed. He knew that he should be there for Sam, but he was toxic and broken and convinced that staying away was the best thing that he could do for his brother.

\-------------------------

Sam sat quietly at the top of the stairs listening to Bobby and Dean's conversation. Sometimes he almost hated Dean for abandoning him, but it was nights like this that he was reminded that it wasn't Dean's fault. He wiped his eyes and tried to sniffle silently against his sleeve, resenting the hell out of his father for making Dean so angry and bitter. It hurt to know that his brother would never really be happy. He got up and walked slowly to his room, avoiding the floorboards that he knew would creak under his feet. He couldn't let the real tears come until the bedroom door had closed behind him.

\-------------------------

Dean knew that hunting alone was his only option. He was good, possibly the best out there, but it took a blue eyed stranger showing up at a vamp nest for him to see that maybe he didn't know everything.

"Who in the hell are you?"

"I'm the guy who just saved your ass."

"Okay, you did and I appreciate it, but you still didn't answer my question."

"I'm Cas, and you're Dean Winchester."

"What? Wait...how...how do you know who I am?"

"Hunters know who the Winchesters are. I'm sorry to hear about your father. I didn't believe it when I was told that you are a better hunter than he was, but I guess I was wrong."

"Yeah, which is why you just had to save my ass." Dean said wryly. 

"It happens."

"Well, at least let me buy you a beer."

"Okay, uh, sure. I left my car over on the other side of the field there and we're both covered in blood." Cas stammered.

"Well, I'm going to go get cleaned up. If you want that free beer, I'll be at that little dive bar on main street. Either way, thanks for the back up." Dean reached out his hand.

Cas made sure he used a firm grip when they shook hands, "Uh yeah, no problem." He watched Dean walk through the woods until he couldn't see him anymore. He didn't know what to expect when he finally met Dean Winchester, and he wasn't sure what he was getting himself into.

\-------------------------

"I've been alone for a couple of years now, ever since my dad died."

"You haven't found anyone to partner with?" Cas asked, his hand wrapped around the bottle in front of him. He wasn't much of a drinker so the beer had already grown warm and gone flat, but he knew how things worked. When you save someone's ass, you let them buy the first round.

"I tried, but when you've only hunted with family, it's kind of hard to trust somebody else with a machete or shotgun. What about you? You were out there alone."

"I work with family from time to time. But, sometimes I just have to be on my own to clear my head I guess."

Dean grinned, "Oh, I know. My uncle, he's retired, but he doesn't seem to get that. He's tough as nails, I wouldn't want to piss him off, but he's old school. Knows damn near everything about the game. Creatures, weapons, lore. He's into all of that shit. Best secret weapon a guy can have."

"I can imagine. But hey, thanks for the beer. I'm headed out tonight so I need to get going."

"If you ever need back up with anything," Dean wrote his number on a napkin and handed it to Cas, "Just give me a call. Thanks again for the help with the nest."

"No problem." Cas folded the napkin and put it into his pocket. He knew this wouldn't be the last time he'd see Dean Winchester. 

\-------------------------

When Dean told Bobby to stop trying to partner him up, Bobby became suspicious. He made some calls, he looked into it, and nobody had ever heard of a young hunter who went by the name of 'Cas'. He didn't exist in their world. But when word got back to him about some of the hunts that they pulled off, Bobby knew that somehow Dean had found someone willing to take the big risks alongside him. He didn't like it, he didn't trust it, but Dean came home safely and that's all that really mattered.

\-------------------------

Dean couldn't remember ever feeling so proud, so normal, when he watched Sam cross the stage and graduate from high school with honors. He had just received his acceptance letter in the mail. He would be leaving for Stanford in the fall with a full scholarship. When the ceremony was over, Dean stood with Bobby and Ellen on the edge of the grass waiting for Sam and Jo to finish their rounds of hugs with friends. Ellen knew that she had Sam to thank for Jo graduating. Over the years they had become siblings. It was almost like having twins in the house, but they couldn't be more different and argued about damn near everything. Sam was an honors student and Jo barely maintained a D average. It wasn't until she was grounded indefinitely and had all of her driving privileges taken away that she finally gave in and asked Sam for help. She cut class and smoked pot under the bleachers, but was able to pull off good enough grades to get her car keys back, and her diploma. 

"Dean!" Sam called, jogging over to where Dean was waiting. Dean wrapped his arms around his brother and pulled him into a bear hug.

"I am so proud of you, Sammy."

"Thanks man, that means a lot."

Dean just looked at Sam. He could see the small nicks where he must have cut himself shaving, he'd grown up and filled out, and at some point his voice had changed. He wasn't that skinny little kid with the knobby knees and perpetually sad eyes anymore. He had become a man, and despite the odds, he'd become a better man than Dean would ever be. That's all he had ever wanted for him. 

\-------------------------

"So the one with the dark hair, that's your cousin who drives the black car?"

Jo rolled her eyes at the girl standing next to her, "Yes, that's Sam's older brother." Jo knew that Dean was gorgeous, everybody knew that Dean was gorgeous, but he was untouchable.

"Does he have a girlfriend?"

"Ugh...I don't know. I doubt it. He never talks about one."

"Is he gay?"

Jo finally turned her head, "I highly doubt that. It would be tragic if he was. But, he's 22 and a little out of your league. I need to go play nice with my family, but call me and let me know what time to be there."

"You should bring them both with you." a voice trailed off as Jo walked away.

\-------------------------

Ellen held up her glass of wine and cheered, "to the graduates."

They all toasted. Bobby was feeling uncomfortable in the expensive restaurant and cheap suit that Ellen made him wear. Ellen was pleased that Jo even graduated. Sam was still on a high from the days events. Dean grinned at his brother proudly. Jo was just biding her time until dinner was over.

"I thought that after dinner..." Ellen started.

"Okay, I didn't do the whole high school thing," Dean interrupted. "But I can pretty much guarantee that there will be a party going on somewhere tonight and I'm guessing that these two would rather be there than hanging at home with the parents and older brother." He'd watched Jo cross her arms and sigh impatiently for most of the day, and he knew that he could probably charm Ellen into letting them go. "I'll even give them a ride and pick them up."

Jo smiled at Dean and leaned forward, "Please mama, everybody is going to be there."

Ellen turned to look at Bobby, but he'd learned a long time ago to stay out of it. "Fine, but I am trusting you Joanna Beth."

Jo winked at Dean with a satisfied smile. She knew that she'd get drunk, and probably be grounded and have her car keys taken away for a few weeks, but you only graduated from high school once.

"Are we all done here?" Bobby grumbled. "I wanna get home and out of this damn suit."

They piled into separate cars and drove back to Singer Salvage.

\-------------------------

Dean had already seen it at least 20 times, but he took the piece of paper out of Sam's hand anyway. It had been handled so much that it was becoming threadbare and the ink was starting to fade. "We are pleased to inform you that you have officially been accepted to Stanford University with a full academic scholarship, which will lead to a nerdy lifetime of money, houses, cars, and hot chicks." Dean laughed. "You should probably frame this, Sammy. You are the only Winchester to accomplish shit."

"C'mon Dean, that's not true. You were never given the chance."

"I know, I never got to be a kid. Old story. I never did get laid in the backseat of my car on prom night, so maybe I do have some regrets." Dean grinned. "Please tell me that you at least got laid in the back seat on prom night."

Sam blushed, "I drive that old truck that Bobby rebuilt for me. No backseat."

"But you still..."

"Okay, so the front has a bench seat." Sam's cheeks were bright red.

"No shame in a front seat bang, Sam. So, you're going to this party with Jo tonight?"

"I kind of have to. I mean, everybody will be there and it's our final thing before we all go our separate ways. Jo's still a little pissed that she got stuck going to the state college, and Bobby's a little pissed that they have to pay for it."

Dean just looked at his brother and knew, as much as he didn't want to burden Bobby after their father died, he'd done the right thing. "Well, you should probably jump in the shower. I'm guessing that Jo is going to spend at least an hour in the bathroom getting ready." 

Sam smiled and hugged his brother again, "It's good to have you here, man." He'd stopped asking how long Dean was planning to stick around. He knew that if a call came in, his brother would probably go. Hunting was in his blood and Sam had tried to learn to accept that.

\-------------------------

"Okay, you kids ready? You got everything? Jo, did you grab the slutty outfit that you plan to change into?" Dean smiled, looking at her in the backseat.

"Sometimes you are a total asshole, Dean."

"You are not the first girl to tell me that."

"And I'm sure I won't be the last. Now can we go?"

Dean pulled up in front of the house with all of the lights blazing and the loud music pouring out of the open door. He and Sam stood outside of the car while Jo changed into what she tried to pass off as a dress. "You should come in and have a beer." 

"Nah, Sam, I'm not here to chaperone. Those are your friends."

"Yeah, and they all ask me questions about my mysterious older brother with the cool car. Especially the girls. It's not like you're an old man, I mean in hunter years you are damn near ancient, but in the real world 22 isn't that old. Just one beer."

"Yeah, c'mon." Jo said, stumbling out of the car and shutting the door behind her. She linked her arm through Dean's and started leading him towards the house, it never hurt to walk in with a hot older guy, even if he was your cousin. He pocketed his keys and shrugged. What was one beer?

\-------------------------

Dean had never seen so many potentially drunk 18 year old girls in one place in his life. He knew that they were off limits, but it didn't hurt to look. He was finally able to untangle himself from Jo and somebody handed him a cold bottle. Sam seemed proud as they made the rounds and he introduced his brother to his friends. Dean didn't know how to take it, he wasn't exactly brother of the year material. He wanted to stand back and observe, but became a chick magnet almost immediately. He tried to ignore as many of them as he could, and had to grab a few hands to stop the more aggressive ones. He just watched Sam and tried to smile around the ache of regret in his chest. He should have been there, he should have done more. 

He was reminding Jo that he was only there to drive them home, not socialize with her friends, when he saw a familiar face across the room. "Just a minute," he told her, walking away, leaving her pouting.

"Um, last place I expected to run into you."

"My cousin, Rachel, graduated today. I got stuck babysitting, making sure that she stays out of trouble."

"I didn't know you had family in Sioux Falls."

"Just a few cousins." Cas was chewing nervously on his lip.

"Huh, small world." Dean didn't want to introduce Cas to Sam, he'd tried for years to keep his brother away from the life. The decision was made for him when Sam showed up with two cold bottles.

"You want another? I figure you can probably down a 12 pack by yourself and not even catch a buzz. Who's your friend?" Sam turned and made eye contact. He'd overheard his brother talk to Bobby enough to know that he'd been working with a mystery partner. A hunter who nobody had ever heard of, but was somehow good enough to have Dean's back. Sam knew who he was looking at.

"You're Sam Winchester." Cas stuttered.

"Uh, yeah. I'm guessing that you're Cas."

Dean never wanted his two worlds to collide like this. He gently grabbed Cas's elbow, "Hey, can we talk outside?" he said quietly. Cas nodded and Sam gave him a forced grin when they walked away.

\-------------------------

"Okay, I get that you have family here too, but Sam hates that I'm still hunting and the last thing I want is for that kid to have it shoved in his face when he is celebrating. We need to keep our distance. No going near Sam, no letting Sam see you. He's probably already a little shaken up and this is supposed to be about him. Not to mention, you and I don't fit into each other's lives outside of hunting, so this can't be a social thing."

"I know, Dean. I had no idea. I'll stay on my side, you stay on yours and I'll try to get out of here early. The last thing that I want to do is cause problems."

\-------------------------

"So, who's the hot blue eyed friend." Jo sidled up to Dean.

"Jo..."

"Holy shit, that's Cas isn't it?" Jo had always wondered about this mysterious 'Cas'. She knew that they had been hunting together for awhile, but that's all she knew. Dean didn't talk about him, Dean didn't talk about hunting at all. 

"Drop it Jo. Don't go talk to him, don't say anything to Sam about him."

"I just can't believe that Rachel Novak's cousin is..."

"Jo!" Dean barked, "I said to fucking drop it, okay?"

"God Dean, you don't need to be such an asshole."

"About this, yeah I do. My home and my job have nothing to do with one another. Now just go get trashed with your friends and I'll get you home before you pass out."

"Fine. But Rachel is my friend so you can't expect me to stay away from her just because your life is fucked up." Jo turned on her heel and walked away, leaving Dean in the corner watching Sam. He needed to make sure that Cas didn't try talk to him, that Cas didn't so much as look at him. 

\-------------------------

Jo was drunk, Sam was tipsy, and Dean was ready to go home. He was coming out of the bathroom when again he ended up face to face with those blue eyes.

"Listen Cas, I've got to get them home, but I need to talk to you. Are you staying in town?"

"Um, just for another day or two." Cas mumbled.

"Meet me at the coffee shop tomorrow. Let's say 2:00."

Cas just nodded. Dean wanted to go find Jo and Sam and get the hell out of there. He got them both to the car with very little whining and headed back to the salvage yard. It was a silent drive home.

\-------------------------

"Well, you pissed off most of the guys in my graduating class," Sam grinned at the breakfast table. He woke up with a headache, but otherwise felt okay. 

"Oh yeah? Why is that?"

"Because every girl at that party wanted a piece of my hot older brother. The guys who did end up hooking up with somebody knew that they were option B."

Dean laughed. He was cocky enough to know that he had that effect on women, but he would never dip into his brother's dating pool. "So what about you? No someone special?" 

"Nope. I'm leaving in a few months, and I'm leaving unattached. I need to focus on school, not some drama filled bullshit relationship."

"Good attitude, Sammy."

Ellen was standing by the stove just listening to the brothers. Bobby had already gone outside and Jo still hadn't gotten out of bed. She was proud of what Sam had accomplished in the four years that he'd been with them. It was a rocky start, but he'd finally accepted them as his adoptive parents and learned how to deal with having Jo as a sister. It was Dean's revolving door lifestyle that he could never get used to. Bobby had finally given up on trying to talk Dean into settling down. He was 22 years old and he wasn't going to change. 

"Ellen" Dean said, interrupting her reverie. "I need to head into town a little later. Do you need me to pick up anything?"

Sam gave Dean a confused look. Why would Dean need to go into town? Then it hit him. He'd gotten tipsy, but he still remembered the night before, he still remembered the unexpected guest. He slid his chair back, forced a smile at Dean and Ellen and went upstairs, trying not to slam his door behind him.

"Now what in the hell was that all about, Dean Winchester?" 

"Uh, nothing really. Just ran into an old friend." Dean couldn't meet Ellen's eyes.

"Well considering Sam's reaction, it would only take me one guess to figure out who that friend is. What in the hell is he doing in Sioux Falls?"

Dean sighed deeply, "his cousin went to school with Sam and Jo so he was basically babysitting, just like I was. I honestly had no idea. I'll go talk to Sam."

\-------------------------

He knocked on the door while he was opening it. Sam was sitting at his desk with his back to Dean. He had his acceptance letter from Stanford in his hand. "Sammy?"

"You know, I'm getting a little too old for the cutesy nickname."

"C'mon, you're my baby brother. There's no time limit on cutesy nickname." Dean grinned as he sat on Sam's bed, trying to lighten the mood.  
.  
"Why was he there?"

"His cousin graduated with you. I had no idea. I really didn't."

"His cousin?"

"Rachel Novak, do you know her? Jo said that they are friends."

"Rachel Novak is a super religious preppy. Jo just uses her to get help with her homework. But what do you think the chances are of you both having family graduating from the same school at the same time?"

"Sam, I didn't know. We don't talk about our lives outside of...what we do."

Sam set the letter down and turned around in his chair, "What you do? Really? So you can't even say the word now? It's hunt, Dean. You hunt. You go out and you kill shit while people who care about you sit back wondering when you're coming home, or if you'll even come home at all. That's what you do."

Dean dropped his head and sighed, they hadn't had this discussion in a long time and he'd hoped that Sam had finally just accepted it, "Sam, we've been over this a million times."

"Yeah, you're a hunter, just like dad was a hunter and look at what that got him. You tell me that it's just who and what you are, but you've never tried to leave. Bobby has asked you, I've asked you, but you are such a stubborn asshole that you don't fucking listen. So, whatever Dean. Go talk to your friend. Hell, why not invite the guy to dinner. He seemed friendly enough."

"Sam..."

"You chose that life. I begged you to stop. I begged you to give it up and stay here with us but you don't give a shit."

"Sam, you don't understand."

"No, I don't, and I doubt I ever will. That life, it killed mom, it killed dad, it killed Jo's dad. We're lucky that Bobby survived. You have meant everything to me for as long as I could remember. You raised me up until he died, but instead of hanging it up and living a normal life, you dropped me off here and went back. Why, Dean? You needed to pick up where dad left off? Is it worth you getting killed just to find that thing? None of it is going to bring any of them back"

"But it's my job to track that fucker down. You know that."

"Who said that it's your job? That's what dad wanted."

"I owe it to her, Sam." Dean said calmly.

"And what do you owe me?"

"Sam..."

"Just go, Dean."

"Sam..."

"Fucking go!"

Dean stood up and walked out of Sam's room, closing the door softly behind him. He could hear Jo in her room on the phone. He had no doubt who she was talking to. He went down the stairs, straight out the door, and got into his car without saying a word. His tires screeched when he pulled onto the highway, tears slowly running down his cheeks. He knew that Sam was right. Sam had always been right, but he didn't know how to stop. Seeking vengeance was all that he had ever known and he couldn't stop until he'd finished the job. He promised himself when that day came, he'd hang it up, but it took time. 

\-------------------------

He was already in a booth when Cas walked in. He slid silently along the seat across from Dean and waited. He just shook his head at the waitress when she set a cup of coffee in front of him and asked him if he wanted anything else. 

"How did you know his name, Cas?" Dean finally asked.

"Who?"

"Who do you think?"

"Sam?"

"God, I hate hearing you say it, but yes. How in the hell did you know who he was?"

"I saw you with him and I just assumed..."

"Okay, I get that, but we've never talked about him. I've never told you his name. I've never told you shit, but you appear out of thin air at his graduation party and you know who he is?"

"Everybody knows that John Winchester had two sons." Cas said quietly.

"Right. He has the son that continued to hunt, and then there was the kid that left to live anonymously. By the time I was his age, I was already a player in the game, I get that. But Sam? He's the mysterious Winchester that nobody knows anything about, which is how I want to keep it. As far as this life is concerned, he doesn't exist. We obviously can't help that we have family in the same town. Hell of a coincidence, but there's nothing we can do about it. Now they know who your cousin is, and that's a little too close for comfort. I don't know how your family feels about what you do because we don't talk about it, I don't want to know. When I left the house, my cousin was on the phone with your cousin having a hard core debate over which is sexier, older guys with blue eyes or older guys with green eyes. That conversation shouldn't be happening. Neither should this one, not here."

"You can't blame me, Dean..."

"I'm not blaming you for anything, Cas." Dean interrupted. "I'm just saying that I'm not real happy about you talking to my baby brother, who I would do anything to protect. I'm not real happy about the fact that anyone knows who he is, even you. I have trusted you with my life for years, you are the strongest hunter that I've ever worked with, but our personal lives need to be kept out of things. Forget that you ever saw him, forget what he looks like, forget about all of this. We never bumped into each other at a graduation party in Sioux Falls. If either of us hears about a case, we'll call. Our families aren't part of this."

"I understand. But you need to understand that your family includes Bobby Singer, and everybody knows who he is. He may have retired, but he is still a part of this life. It doesn't matter what you and I talk about, your brother is still exposed to it every day."

"Maybe you're right, but when he leaves for school in an undisclosed location, he won't be. Like I said, call if a case comes up, but none of the rest of this ever happened." Dean stood up and left. 

\-------------------------

Dean couldn't stop thinking about his conversation with Sam. Sam wasn't a kid anymore, he was 18, he was becoming a man and learning to resent Dean as much as Dean resented their father. He pulled down the gravel drive of the salvage yard and found Sam outside washing his truck. 

"Listen, Sam, you were right about a lot of things, and I'm sorry." 

Sam looked up, shielding his eyes from the sun. "Me being right doesn't change anything, Dean."

"I know. I've fucked up, I've fucked up a lot and I've missed a lot. Too much. I'm not going to hunt, not this summer."

"But you will after I get to school?"

"You know I have to try and find it, Sam. If I don't try, then everything that I've done has been pointless."

"And if you don't find it?"

"I will."

"But you'll stay here until I leave for school? No more taking his calls."

Dean sighed, "No more taking his calls. I'm sorry about the party. I really didn't know."

"I believe you, but that doesn't mean that I forgive you," Sam said quietly, right before he squirted his brother with ice cold water from the hose.

"You little shit!" Dean yelled, looking down at his soaked clothes. He looked up, ready to chase after Sam, but he'd already escaped into the safety of the house, laughing.

\-------------------------

Sam got to walk down the stairs every morning and see his brother sprawled out on the couch. They sat across the table from each other flinging insults back and forth until Bobby yelled at them to knock their shit off. Dean was true to his word, he didn't answer his phone, Sam had his undivided attention and that's all that he had ever wanted.

\-------------------------

"You know that I hate fishing, right?"

Sam smiled at his brother, "You know that's why I keep making you come out here with me, right?"

"You are such an asshole," Dean muttered.

"Must be genetic."

Sam reached into the cooler of beer, waiting for Dean to stop him.

"You got a full scholarship and I noticed the other day that you shaved without cutting yourself, apparently you're becoming a man. Go ahead, but only one or two." Dean knew that he had no right to try and enforce any rules with Sam, He hadn't been around enough to earn that right. Sam would be headed to college in a few weeks and he just needed to know that Dean still wanted what was best for him.

\-------------------------

Sam didn't look 21, but the waitress set the drink in front of him anyway. He gave her a dimpled grin and she smiled back.

"Working the Winchester charm? I couldn't be more proud," Dean laughed. It was usually his cocky grin and wink that got the attention, apparently his brother had it too. Sam was leaving the next morning for the drive out to California. Dean had offered to go with him, but Sam wanted to do it alone. They'd spent the day loading up the back of his truck and going over the list of things that Ellen thought he'd need. It was bittersweet for all of them. Dean wanted to take him out, buy him a decent meal and spend some time with him before he left.

"Sam, you know that I hate shit like this, but I owe you an apology. I didn't make a mistake when I brought you to Bobby's, I made the mistake when I didn't listen to you. I am a selfish bastard for not walking away from the game and I know that. It was never about choosing hunting over you, or choosing dad's legacy over you. The only things that dad ever taught me were that revenge was everything, and that I needed to keep an eye on you. I know that I chose the wrong path on that one."

"Do you think you could have lived a normal life after dad died? I mean, could you have actually settled down and worked for Bobby?"

"No, I was still too pissed off. I had a short fuse. I was a ticking time bomb and I knew it," Dean sighed. "I know it sounds like an excuse, but I felt like you were better off away from my bullshit. Bobby and Ellen did right by you, I was already too far gone."

"Are you still that guy?"

Dean stopped and thought, taking a sip of his beer, "When I hunt? Yes, but I have to be. When I'm away from it I try not to be. I'd like to think that I'm not, but I still have my moments. I'm just learning how to keep myself in check. I could never have done it, Sam. I don't know how to live a regular life. By the time dad died, there was no going back for me, but you still had a chance and I owed that to you. Now this is the point when Bobby always asks me what do I owe myself, and I still don't have an answer. I respect the hell out of that man for being able to hang it up."

"But he's still a part of it. I see him on the phone and I know that he's talking to hunters, I know that you can't ever get away from it completely. Every time you left, I wondered if you were going to come home."

"I know that you did, Sam. I don't think that I'll ever forgive myself for that. But look at you, leaving for college in the morning, going off on your own to do something meaningful. That's what I always wanted for you, and there was no guarantee that you'd be in this position if I had been around to raise you. I was fucked up when I was your age. I could barely take care of myself, I had no right to try and take care of you. Hunting is this whole other world that you can't understand, that I don't want you to ever understand. You forget who you are sometimes. Some nights you end up covered in blood, and you don't always know where it came from. It's dark and it's ugly and it sucks you in. I'm one of the best, and as pathetic as it is, it feels good to be the best at something, even if that something is fucked up."

Sam lifted his head and looked across the table at his brother. He'd never thought about Dean's self worth being tied into hunting. Everyone knew that he was the best. Everyone knew that he and Cas were unstoppable. Life had come easy for Sam. He got good grades, he was popular, the girls loved him. Nothing came easy for Dean. "I shouldn't have been so hard on you, Dean. You did what you had to do. You've always meant more to me than anyone, but I had nightmares about standing in front of a fire knowing that it was you up there."

Dean was holding back tears, "I had that same nightmare. But it won't be me. We still don't really know what happened to dad, but he lost a step and refused to see it. I pay attention, I'll know when I'm no longer the best and it's time to let someone else take the reins. As soon as I find what I'm looking for, it's over. I'm done."

"And if you don't?"

"I have to believe that I will. I don't remember her, neither of us do, but this is the closest that I will ever come to doing right by her." Dean could see the tears in Sam's eyes, "She'd be proud of you, Sam. She would be so damn proud."

"Yeah, I know." Sam said quietly, wiping the tears away with his shirtsleeve. "Just stay safe, Dean. Don't make me stand in front of that fire."

"I won't Sam, I promise. Now eat your steak that I'm paying a shit ton of money for."

Sam smiled at his brother and started eating. Dean had his reasons for living the way he lived. He hadn't abandoned Sam, he'd tried to shield him from how ugly his world was. It was time to let the anger and resentment go. "Aren't we supposed to have some type of dramatic music playing in the background while we hug it out?" 

"Shut up and eat, Sam" Dean grinned. Sometimes he didn't realize how alike they really were.

\-------------------------

They all gave Sam a round of hugs, and then another before he pulled himself away and got into his truck. It was hard to watch his baby brother go off on his own. He wrapped his arm around a crying Ellen and led her into the house offering to go buy something for dinner. He could only imagine how it would be when they had to drive the three hours to drop Jo off at school.

\-------------------------

He didn't even have to ask Bobby for a case. Bobby had watched him stand by his word. He had spent the summer with Sam, but now he was on edge and pacing. As much as he hated it, it was time to get Dean back out there. He found something, and watched Dean pull his phone out of his pocket to go outside and make the call. He knew it would be awhile before they saw him again.

\-------------------------

Dean was already covered in blood when he found himself trapped against the wall, his machete on the floor across the room. There was just enough moonlight shining through the window for him to watch what had to be an Alpha slit his own wrist with a sharp fang and grab Dean's face, trying to force his mouth open. They didn't want to kill him, they wanted to make him one of them. He struggled to keep his jaw closed, to move his head away from the vampire's wrist. He could feel the warm blood dripping onto his lips and he pressed them together to keep any from flowing into his mouth. He would rather be killed than become a monster. Just as the vampire squeezed hard enough to open Dean's jaw, he saw a metallic flash and heard a thud. He looked up and saw Cas breathing heavily, holding out his machete before sliding his own back into his belt. "Don't talk, don't open your lips at all. We need to get that off of your face." Cas whispered, leading him through the basement and up to the kitchen. "We got them all, so we have time." He turned on the water and grabbed a towel, handing it to Dean. Dean scrubbed his skin almost raw, making sure to get every drop of that Alpha's blood off of him. He finally turned to Cas to get the once over, he needed to know that he was safe, that he'd gotten it all. After a nod from Cas, he dropped the towel in the sink and didn't say a word as they walked out of the house and back to his car. He started the engine and drove back to the motel.

"I'm guessing that you need a drink?" Cas finally asked.

"Yeah, I've got a bottle in my room." Dean mumbled. His heart was still pounding. "I owe you one, and more than just a beer. It's cheap scotch, but you are more than welcome to it. You definitely earned it."

"Let me go shower first, and I'll come back." Cas said, getting out of the car. Dean nodded and went to unlock the door to his room. He left a trail of blood soaked clothes on his way to the bathroom. He needed a hot shower, he needed to make sure that every drop of Alpha blood was really gone. When the water at his feet was running clear, he slid down the tile wall and sat under the stream while it turned cold, sobbing. He'd been close to death before, he'd been close to death hundreds of times, but he'd never been close to becoming one of them. Dean Winchester was shaken, Dean Winchester had been genuinely scared. He finally turned the water off, hearing the knocking while he was reaching for a towel. He wrapped it around his waist and walked across the room, rivulets of cold water slowly sliding down his body. He opened the door for Cas.

"The bottle is right there in that paper bag. Let me just throw something on real quick." He picked up his dirty clothes and threw them in a pile before digging through his bag for something clean to wear. He went into the bathroom to change and just looked at himself in the mirror. He knew that he hadn't swallowed any blood, but he checked his gums anyway. 

If he saw anything, he would have to ask Cas to kill him before he became a monster.

"So, this stuff is strong enough I wouldn't be surprised if it melted the plastic." Cas smiled, tilting a cheap motel room cup to his lips. He pointed to the second cup sitting on the table, almost full. Dean sank into a chair and with a shaky hand, picked up the drink and took a long swallow. "Are you okay?" Cas questioned softly.

Dean took a deep breath and sighed. "That was probably the most intense hunt I've been on, but yeah. Thank god I didn't try to pull that one off solo. He came out of nowhere. What is it with you saving my ass in vamp nests?" He turned and looked at Cas, "I'd be one of them if you hadn't found me, thanks man."

"Well, I did find you, and we got you all cleaned up, so the drink is thanks enough."

"This shit? It's probably more like a punishment than a thank you, but you've got to go for the cheap stuff in this life. It's not as glamorous as everybody might think it is." Dean said, finally feeling the liquor calm him. "So have you been doing this your whole life? Or did you get a late start?"

Cas was surprised. In all of the years that they'd worked together, all they'd ever talked about was the current case. Their strategy for the hunt, then the almost silent pursuit of finishing the job, followed by a relaxed rehash over beers if it went well, a quiet alcohol laced recount if it didn't. Dean had made it very clear that he didn't want conversations to get personal. "I guess you could say I've either been doing this, or training to do this my entire life. I've just always been a soldier."

"Yeah, me too. That's what my old man used to call me, a soldier. I always hated it, but here I am still doing the dirty work. I guess I didn't hate it enough to stop."

"Do you think that you ever will stop?" Cas asked, refilling both of their cups.

"I hope so, it's just a matter of timing. I have that final hunt in mind, I can even picture it. When it finally happens I'd like to think that I can just walk away." 

"Do you really think you can?"

"After that, I won't have a reason to hunt anymore. But, it's also all I've ever known, I don't know how to live what I guess you'd call a regular life. What about you?"

"It will always be a part of me, I don't think that I could walk away. This is who I was made to be, and like you said, I don't know anything else." Cas wasn't a drinker and he could feel the scotch going to his head.

"I've tried to picture my life without it. A legit job, a girl, a home, but it just seems so far out of reach, ya know? I can't see myself getting up to do 9-5 Monday through Friday. Relationships don't work in this life. I know a lot of hunter widows out there, I wouldn't want to make another. Plus I'm sure that I have all sorts of deep seeded commitment issues and all of that psychobabble bullshit. Getting laid and not calling them the next day has worked for me so far, why change? So, I figure with no real job, no girl, the home wouldn't really make sense."

"So you don't want any of it? Or you don't think you could have any of it?"

"I don't think I could have any of it. I mean I look at S....other people and I can see them living that life. I just can't picture it for myself." He was glad that he was able to catch himself before he brought his brother into the conversation. He had just started his second year of pre-law, had a beautiful steady girlfriend, and was going to be the kind of man that he was always destined to be. Dean knew that his destiny probably lied in cheap motel rooms and the bottom of a scotch bottle. He turned and looked at Cas. His eyes were a different shade of blue, he had felt the intensity of the hunt as much as Dean had. "But really, thank you man. I stood in the bathroom and realized that tonight you would have either been cutting off the Alpha's head, or mine."

"It wouldn't have come to that, I wouldn't have let it. I'm your partner and my job is to keep you alive."

Dean just kept looking at Cas's eyes. He could see an almost desperate need to keep him safe, he could see that Cas would take a bullet for him. He'd never seen that in anyone else. "That's a two way street," he said softly, pouring the last of the bottle into their cups. They sat quietly and sipped, each thinking about different scenarios, both knowing that as soon as the cups were empty Cas would leave to go back to his own room. For the first time in years, Dean didn't want to be alone. They couldn't put off finishing their drinks and going their separate ways much longer. Dean watched Cas tilt his cup to his lips for the last time and stand, steadying himself with his hand on the table. Dean was feeling it too, the solid buzz that he needed after the night that they'd had. He stood up to walk Cas to the door. He reached for the doorknob and started to pull it open, but stopped himself. "Cas?"

Cas turned around and they locked eyes. There was an urgency that Dean couldn't explain. He knew what he wanted to do, but he didn't want to think about it first. He stepped forward and held Cas's body against the door with his own, his hand sliding off of the doorknob when he heard it click shut. He reached up and touched Cas's face before he leaned in and pressed their lips together, encouraging Cas to part his, their tongues sliding against one another. Cas wrapped his hands around Dean's arms and eagerly kissed him back. They were both trying to catch their breath when Dean finally pulled away. "I don't know why..." he whispered. "I don't even know if you're straight or gay or what your deal is..."

"Neither do I." Cas said quietly.

"How can you not...wait...you've never..."

Cas didn't even answer, he didn't need to. Dean could see it. He still had his hands on Cas's face, Cas was still holding his arms. He leaned in again, kissing Cas deeply, pressing their bodies together, waiting for any sign of hesitation. He needed to be with somebody tonight, and he needed to be with somebody who could understand why he sat on the shower floor crying. Dean slid his hands from Cas's face, down his sides. He had never considered being with a man, but he could feel himself growing hard when Cas dug his fingers into his back, holding them closer. "Take it off for me," he whispered, leaning back long enough for Cas to pull his shirt over his head. Cas's hands were smooth against his skin, Dean's lips were trailing across his jaw and neck. Cas moaned softly and struggled to pull his own shirt off, dropping it on top of Dean's, reaching to pull their bodies together. 

\-------------------------

Not a word was spoken when Dean led him across the room. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Cas to him, kissing his taut stomach, running his hands up his chest, feeling a gentle moan start to build. Cas pushed Dean back slowly, dipping his head for a hungry kiss. He'd never done this before, but now he wanted it more than anything. He let Dean roll and shift their bodies until Dean was settled between his legs, their hips starting to rock. Dean's full lips worked their way across Cas's neck and down his body, kissing and biting, swirling his tongue around a sensitive nipple before pulling it into his mouth, letting his stomach and chest slide against Cas through his pants. He heard the gasps and subtle groans each time his mouth found a place that needed to be touched. He ran his tongue along the waistband of Cas's jeans and sat up. His fingers were deftly working to undo the button when Cas gently pushed them away. Dean knew that he'd let things go to far until he felt Cas's hands run down his chest and across his stomach, moving lower to cup him and gently squeeze. His cock grew harder with every slide, every movement of Cas's hand. He let his arms hang limply at his sides and closed his eyes, waiting impatiently to feel the button come undone, the zipper to slide slowly, to feel Cas finally touching his hard cock, teasing it with his fingers. He pulled away long enough to slide the rest of their clothes off and reach into his bag. He knelt between Cas's legs, his hands moving up his thighs, his eyes roaming Cas's eager body. He'd never considered a man beautiful until that moment. Every ridge of muscle, the smooth skin covered in a fine sheen of sweat, Cas was perfect. He leaned down, pressing their bodies together and held Cas in a desperate kiss, letting the small bottle of lube rest on the blankets next to them. Cas's fingers were digging into his shoulders as they started to rock again, their hard cocks held between them. Dean could feel himself building with the friction, but he knew that he needed more. He slid the pillows under Cas's hips and wrapped his fingers around the bottle. "Do you trust me?" he whispered. He saw the answer in Cas's eyes and dripped lube on his fingers, reaching down to slide one against Cas, pressing on his virgin hole. He held him in a deep kiss as he slipped it inside, slowly moving it back and forth. He felt the gasp when he pressed the second finger in, trying to find the right spot, the right rhythm. Cas's body arched when Dean grazed his prostate. He saw the pain on Cas's face when he felt the third finger trying to stretch him, ready him. He met Cas's eyes, needing to know that Cas wanted this as much as he did. The glassy dark blue tint told him everything. He pulled out his fingers and buried himself deep in one motion, feeling Cas wince. "It's okay," he whispered, gripping Cas's hips. "We'll wait until you're ready." He ran his full lips across Cas's collarbone, and up his neck, sucking and nipping, pulling blood to the surface. Needy hands slid up his spine, pulling his body close as their lips met in a deep and sultry kiss. Cas was so tight and so needy that Dean was ready to come. He started to slowly rock his hips, shifting until his cock skimmed Cas's prostate, smiling at the sharp intake of breath. Cas was writhing beneath him, tilting his hips, his face changing from pain to pleasure with each gentle thrust. Dean reached between them and wrapped his hand around him, slowly stroking. Cas was whimpering, wanting more, needing more. Dean's hand stroked faster, he could feel it building, throbbing, and wanted to watch Cas come. Dean was to his breaking point when Cas pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and arched his body. He heard his name as a loud moan and felt the warm sticky fluid drip down his fingers. With a few hard thrusts he let out a strangled cry and buried himself as deeply as he could. He let his sweat soaked body sink against Cas, feeling Cas's arms wrap around him, pulling him close. They laid like that, panting, their hearts racing until Dean went limp and rolled off. He signaled for Cas to hand him the tissues and he cleaned them both up before laying back on the bed. He was already drifting off when he felt Cas's lips on his. He returned the heated kiss and fell asleep to the feeling of Cas's fingers gently running up and down his chest.

\-------------------------

The first thing that Dean noticed when he woke up was that he was naked. The second thing that he noticed was that he was alone. The third thing he noticed was that his bottle of scotch on the table was empty. The lube on the nightstand, twisted blankets, and pillows laying on the floor all helped him to put the pieces together and he remembered seducing Cas last night. He also remember how hungry Cas had been, how desperately he wanted to be touched. He got up to take a shower, noticing bruises on his body, not knowing if they came from the hunt or Cas's hands. 

\-------------------------

Dean was worried about an awkward morning after. Before the drunken fun, they had agreed to meet for breakfast, just like they always did. Dean pulled into the parking lot and saw that Cas was already there. He got out of his car, pocketed the keys, took a deep breath and walked in. He could see the purple marks on Cas's neck when he slid into the booth across from him, and wanted to apologize, but didn't say anything. They ordered their food and were left alone to face each other. Cas took a sip of his coffee, "That was a big nest. We probably should have called in for some help on that one," he said as he set the cup down. Dean sighed with relief. They weren't going to talk about anything that happened after the hunt. Just like any other case, they went over everything that had gone right and everything that had gone wrong, not focusing on the Alpha trying to turn Dean. After a handshake and pat on the back in the parking lot, they got in their separate cars, and went their separate ways. Dean didn't know when he'd hear from Cas, he knew that he was Cas's first and the ball was in his court. If he didn't want to see Dean again, he understood.

\-------------------------

Sam gave his brother a big grin and a hug when he answered the door. Stanford was a two day drive from where he and Cas had found the vamp nest, but he desperately needed to see a friendly face. He was starting to regret what had happened. Between the emotional charge of the hunt and the bottle of cheap liquor, Dean knew that he had taken advantage of a situation that he shouldn't have. They may not have any type of relationship outside of hunting, but they had fought side by side for years and Cas did matter to him. Cas saved his life, and he took Cas's virginity. 

"It's good to see you, man. I wasn't expecting you, but I'm happy you're here. Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine. I was less than a day out so I thought I'd swing by, see what you were up to tonight." Dean lied, following Sam into the cramped apartment that he shared with Jess. He sat down at the table, happily taking a cup of coffee from Sam.

"Jess actually just took off for the store, you barely missed her. She's taking a cooking class as an elective, and I get to be her guinea pig. Stick around, I can call her real quick and let her know that she's got another victim." Sam grinned, picking up his phone. Dean heard Jess's squeal of excitement when Sam told her that he was there and willing to stay for dinner. He heard Sam's sweet talk and soft voice when he told her that he loved her before he hung up. "Okay, she's excited that you're here," Sam laughed. Dean just smiled, the skinny knobby kneed kid that he'd always worried about was gone. Sam was in his second year of college and as in love as anyone had ever been. If Dean could have chosen a life, chosen a girl, for Sam this is what it would be. They never really talked about his own life, it was an unspoken agreement. They talked about school, Sam's friends, Jess, Bobby and Ellen, even Jo. Everything except their parents, hunting, and Cas. Jess knew that their mother had died in a house fire, and their father was killed in a hunting accident. Sam told her that Dean lived with Bobby and Ellen in South Dakota working in the salvage yard, but was prone to random road trips that would bring him to their front door. 

Sam was telling Dean a story about one of his professors when Jess got home. She dropped the grocery bags on the counter and wrapped her arms around Dean. She knew how much Dean meant to Sam and she could always sense his relief when Dean called or showed up. She knew that there must be something behind it, but she never asked. If Sam wanted her to know, he would tell her. "Hey, I'm the loving boyfriend and he gets the first hug?" Sam teased.

"She's finally wised up, Sam. She knows who the good looking and charming Winchester brother is." Dean grinned, winking at Jess. "I'm just biding my time, waiting for her to break the news to you."

"You weren't supposed to say anything," Jess whispered with a laugh before wrapping her arms around Sam, waiting for him to bend down and give her a kiss. "Now I will need you two out of the kitchen, so go do whatever it is you guys do."

"Beautiful, smart, and bossy. You are a lucky man, Sammy."

"He knows." Jess smiled as she started putting groceries away. 

\-------------------------

"I know that we've always stayed away from certain topics, but I'm not a kid anymore. We can talk about what's happening in your life. If something is going on, I want you to feel like you can come to me."

"There's nothing to talk about. It's ugly and I don't want you anywhere near it." Sam had dragged him to a local hang out, and he felt out of place drinking expensive coffee surrounded by a bunch of college students.

"Listen Dean, we pretend like it's not there, but you're my brother and it's your reality. I can handle knowing. I remember the way that we were raised, I remember the things that dad said to you. It's always been about me and my life. It took me a long time, but I finally understand why you do what you do. I don't like it, but I get it. I just don't want to see you end up like dad, consumed by that demon. I've talked to Bobby. It's never been done before, there's no way to know what could happen. I need to know that you are safe, as safe as you can be. I need to know that you have someone watching your back."

"I had a partner on my last hunt, but to be perfectly honest, I might be flying solo from now on," Dean knew that once word got out that he and Cas had parted ways, Bobby may slip up and say something. Sam needed to hear it from him, not from a voice on the other end of the phone.

"But why? I mean...I thought..."

"I don't know. I think I crossed a line. We've always said that we'd keep things professional, never personal. We never talk about family. We never talk about anything outside of the hunt. We got drunk after the last hunt and I may have fucked that up."

Dean saying that he may have fucked up could mean anything, but Sam wasn't going to ask. "Dean, you can't be out there alone, not for something that big, and you've said that he's a hell of a hunter."

"One of the best. As good as I am, maybe better." Dean paused, he didn't feel right talking about any of this, but he needed Sam to know that if Cas came back, he could trust him. "He saved me from an Alpha vamp. It was trying to turn me. I had blood all over my face, my lips, and Cas found us. He killed the Alpha and cleaned me up. It was intense. Instead of beer, we drank liquor and maybe I overshared. I don't know."

Sam needed a minute to digest that Dean had been attacked by an Alpha. He knew that Dean would have died before he let himself turn. It seemed like his connection to Cas might be more complicated than he had let on over the years. Maybe more complicated than he even realized. "Do you consider him a friend?"

"I don't know. I honestly never thought about it. He was just a phone number that I answered or dialed when a case hit the radar."

"But you think that you pissed him off?"

"Something like that." Dean mumbled, wanting to change the subject.

That's when Sam's phone went off, "It's Jess. I'm guessing that it's time to head home." 

Dean sighed with relief as they finished off their coffee and headed back to the apartment.

\-------------------------

Dean was trying to ignore the blinking on his phone, signaling that he had a new voicemail, while he ate dinner. He smiled and hoped that he was putting on a good show for Jess, She'd be lucky to get a 'C' in her class, but he kept telling himself that at least it was better than the slop that Bobby cooked before Ellen took over. He finally finished, swearing that it was the most amazing meal that he'd had in a long time before checking his phone. It was a familiar number with a basic "Call me back" message. He went outside to make the call.

\-------------------------

"Hey, how close are you to Portland?"

Dean hesitated. He never told anybody where he was when he came to see Sam, "I could make it in a day. What's going on?"

"Wendingo. I can't do this one alone. So, if you're okay with meeting me maybe tomorrow night, or the next morning, I think we could take care of it pretty quickly."

Dean still hadn't gone back to Bobby's. His duffle bag still had the clothes covered in vamp blood inside. He needed to get to a laundromat before he went anywhere. "Uh, I could meet you that next morning. Hold on, let me grab something to write with." He went back into the apartment and found a pen and paper, "Okay, where do you want to meet? Okay, got it. I'll call you."

Sam looked over at him, "Problem solved?"

"We'll see."

\-------------------------

"I hope you're ready to get muddy." Cas said, handing him a homemade flame thrower. "The cave is a few miles in and it just rained."

"Awesome," Dean groaned. 

It was textbook, nobody ended up owing the other a beer. But, as part of the life, they had to meet up after at the bar anyway. 

They went their separate ways to clean up, tracking mud through their rooms. Dean found a spot at the bar, wondering if Cas was even going to show up. He felt Cas sit down next to him before he saw him. He signaled the bartender for another round, "Nobody had to save anybody's ass, but they're on me tonight."

"I'll let you buy the first round."

Dean was surprised, normally Cas nursed a single beer, "Uh, okay. I guess we'll take it from there."

They sat in comfortable silence, sporadically talking about past solo hunts. After a couple of shots, Cas finally turned to Dean. His blue eyes seemed almost empty and guarded. Dean didn't know what Cas wanted, he didn't know that his own eyes held remorse. Cas threw back his last shot, set the glass down, and slid off the bar stool. He nodded his goodbye and started to walk out. Dean was torn. If he followed, they might end up having a conversation that he really didn't want to have. If he didn't, he looked like a total asshole. He already felt like an asshole. If Cas had questions, Dean needed to answer them. He paid the tab and followed him out to the parking lot. He found him leaning against the wall.

"Cas, what are you doing?"

"I'm waiting for a cab, I'm not about to get behind the wheel. Are you okay to drive?"

"Yeah, but I'm a heavyweight. I can drive us back to the motel and you can get your car tomorrow. I owe you that much." Dean said, instantly regretting it.

Cas turned and looked at Dean, "No, you don't. You don't owe me anything, Dean."

"Cas...I...let's just go. I'll drive us back and we'll get your car tomorrow."

Cas relented and climbed in the passenger seat. Between the alcohol and Dean's comment , the silence became uncomfortable. They pulled into the parking stall in front of Cas's room and Dean cut the engine, "Listen Cas, if you need to talk..."

"I'm fine. You're not exactly the kind of guy who wants to talk. Things happen."

"We're chalking it up to things happen?" Dean didn't know why that bothered him.

"We need to if we want to keep working together, and I think that's what we both want. So, things happen. It's not a big deal."

"Um, okay. So get some sleep and we'll meet in the morning."

Cas just nodded and got out of the car, fumbling with his keys. Dean watched until the door closed and started the engine, intent on parking by his room, but he couldn't do it. Maybe they never talked about life outside of the hunt, but it all happened because of the hunt. He took a deep breath, shut off the engine, and got out of the car. Cas answered the door almost immediately and opened it wide to let him in.

Dean knew that he needed to say something, but he'd never had to start a conversation like this. He rubbed his hand across his forehead and started slowly pacing. "We've known each other for years. We've hunted together, and that's all we've done. We really don't know a damn thing about one another, but I have a hard time believing that you are a 'things happen' kind of guy. Now maybe I'm reading way too much into it, but from what I remember you'd never done it before and for most people that's kind of a big deal. I feel like a total asshole for letting it happen. Hell, not just letting it happen, making it happen. It shouldn't have, not like that and I'm sorry Cas."

"It was an intense night. A very intense night, and we finished off a bottle of scotch. I'm sorry if you regret it, but I don't. It's been a long day. Just go sleep it off. We really don't need to do this."

Dean nodded and turned towards the door, but turned back around. Cas was just standing there waiting for him to leave. "Okay, there is obviously something that you want to hear and I don't know what it is, Dean. I don't want this ruining up our hunting partnership, which is the only relationship we've had for years. We've never even established whether or not we're friends. Was I drunk and overwhelmed from the hunt? You know that I was, but so were you. I could have told you no at any point. I could have told you no while you were inside of me and you would have stopped. I know that. I am just as responsible for what happened as you are. Do you need forgiveness? I can't forgive you when you didn't do anything wrong. None of it makes you an asshole, it just happened. It was my first time, and yeah, that's kind of a big deal. I was a very active participant and even though I was drunk, I still knew what was going on. Maybe the issue isn't me and the fact that I can look you in the eye and tell you that things happen. Maybe the issue is that you are standing six feet away from me, second guessing yourself. It wasn't just a first for me, was it? Maybe you need to reconcile the fact that you had sex with a man, but I can't help you with that."

"I guess I just thought you'd be more..."

"You thought that I'd have expectations. I know better than that. It seems like this is bothering you more than it's bothering me."

"Maybe it is. You're right, I'd never been with a man, but I'd never ruled it out. The way you looked? The way you felt? I don't know...I just..." Dean stammered. He finally turned away and walked to the door. "Never mind. Goodnight Cas. I'll see you at breakfast." Dean heard the door close and the lock engage behind him before he got in his car and drove to the other end of the parking lot. He wasn't questioning his sexuality but he was questioning something, and he didn't know what it was. He just needed to get some sleep. 

The sound of the engine had long faded before Cas slid down the wall and let his head drop between his knees. He'd made a horrible mistake. He should not have let any of it happen. He should not have wanted so desperately for it to happen. He should not want it to happen again. He sat like that all night, knowing that he was at the bottom of a slippery slope.

\-------------------------

They met at the diner attached to the motel, but breakfast was awkward. Dean left his food almost untouched before he mumbled something that resembled 'goodbye' and dropped money on the table, making sure that there was enough for Cas to get a cab back to pick up his car. He knew that he needed a break, he needed to get to Bobby's.

\-------------------------

Dean had something on his mind, but Bobby didn't want to ask. He was just happy to have the boy home for awhile. He left occasionally to visit Sam, other than that he stayed around the salvage yard and helped out. He didn't ask for cases, and Bobby stopped looking.

Dean was leaning over the engine of his car when Bobby walked out with a cold beer for him. "Everything okay, son?"

"Oh yeah," Dean answered, wiping his greasy hands with a shop rag before taking the bottle from Bobby. "She just needed a little tune up."

"I'm not talking about the car, Dean."

"I am." Dean said pointedly, pulling the bottle to his lips.

"Suit yourself. I know that you ain't one to talk, neither am I. It was that wife of mine who sent me out here to ask."

"And I appreciate it every time she does. Tell her once again that your efforts were in vain and the stubborn son of a bitch wouldn't say a word to you other than thanks for the beer." Dean smiled. It had been almost six years since his father died and he still wasn't any closer to finding the demon. The life hadn't been good to him and he was losing hope.

"I noticed that your phone hasn't been ringing."

"Sure it has. Sam calls every couple of days to check in."

"That's not what I'm talking about, Dean."

Dean took another drink and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, "Is this you or Ellen asking? Either way it's really none of your business. I don't need a phone call to hunt. I will go hunt again, I have unfinished business and we both know that. But, like I told Sam, as soon as I take care of it I'm hanging it all up. Right now I'm taking some time to clear my head, I'm not worth a shit until I do. A hunter with too much on his mind is a dangerous hunter and I can't be that guy. I need to hunt smart and not angry."

"Have you ever considered that the thing may not exist?"

"You mean have I ever considered that maybe my father was a stark raving lunatic who didn't know what in the fuck he was talking about? Every damn day. But if there is a chance that he was right, if it was a demon that did this, it is up to me to finish the job."

"And if there is no demon..."

"Then I die bloody and young looking for something that I was never going to find. This isn't the first time that I've thought about this. I'm prepared for it."

"Have you thought about Sam?"

"Bobby, when I went to see Sam before I came here I learned two things. You are a better cook than Jess, and he finally understands. He hates it, but he does understand. Now I get that neither one of you wants to stand at my hunter's funeral, but someday it's going to happen."

"Dean, do you really think..."

"Damnit Bobby!" Dean finally snapped. "All I do is fucking think. Do you think that I like this? Do you think that this is what I wanted? You and Sam, you sit back and tell me these fairy tales about how I can just drop everything and walk away and somehow not be haunted by a yellow eyed demon when I try to sleep at night. If that thing killed my mother, I need to find it. I was four years old when that bastard showed up. All I can remember is carrying my baby brother to the street and watching my house burn down with my mother inside of it. The old man? All he ever talked about was revenge, killing things, saving people. I still hear his fucking voice every day telling me that I'm doing the right thing. There is no right or wrong in this life. There is living and dying, and so far I've done a pretty damn good job. I have to know. I need to see that thing and I need to do what I can to send it back to where it came from. Right now, I'm a little fucked up in the head. You, if anyone, should understand that. So should Ellen. You lost the people that you cared about most. Don't tell me that you don't remember how it felt to want revenge."

"I do remember, Dean. It took me a long time to see it, but finally woke up one day and realized that revenge is for the living, not the dead."

"Well then it's on me. I'll selfishly continue to hunt until I feel like I've gotten the job done."

"What you're doing, it ain't selfish, Dean. But maybe you need to be a little more realistic."

"Realistic? How in the hell am I supposed to be realistic? My life has been nothing but one lie after another. That's how it works. I don't know how you were able to walk away, maybe because you had something before you started hunting. All I had was preschool and naptime. Finding that thing is my reality and I will do whatever it takes." Dean turned away from Bobby, hoping that the tears wouldn't come. "You know, I can't do this anymore. I'm wasting time. I need to get back out there."

"Dean, you've only been here for a few months. Now I don't know what is going on with you, but something ain't right. You just told me that you're in no position to hunt."

"Yeah, well I changed my mind. I can't hang over my car and try to ignore it while it eats at me from the inside."

"You need to hunt smart and not angry, you said it yourself."

"Right now I need to hunt, angry or not. You know what, fuck it. I'll pack and leave tonight. I'll find my own way."

"Dean, don't do this. You aren't thinking straight, boy. You can't go out half cocked. I'll find you something."

Dean just nodded and slammed the hood of his car closed. He didn't say a word as he slid past Ellen and into the house.

"What in the hell was that, Bobby?" Ellen asked from the top of the porch steps.

"I swear that boy is determined to go get himself killed."

\-------------------------

Bobby found him a vengeful spirit in Lincoln. It was a small case, something a newbie could handle and well below the caliber of cases that Dean Winchester worked, but it was something. By the time he did his interviews, learned the history, and burned the bones he was weary. He wanted a hot shower and a solid's nights sleep. He pulled up to his motel, shut off the headlights and was putting it in park when he saw him. Cas was sitting on the sidewalk leaning against the wall next to his room. They hadn't talked in months. Neither one had tried. He took a deep breath and rested his head against the steering wheel for a moment before he got out of the car and started digging through his pocket for the room key. "Long time no talk, what are you doing here?"

Cas stood up and wiped his hands on his pants, "I heard about a vengeful spirit. I got about halfway here when I was told that somebody was already taking care of it. Hearing your name came as a surprise. You could pull off a vengeful spirit with your eyes closed."

"Yeah, well I need to stay busy. If you were halfway here why didn't you just turn around. There's plenty of work out there, Cas."

"Not for solo's."

Dean was not in the mood for this conversation. He had a bottle in the room waiting for him and the last thing he wanted to do was offer Cas a drink. "So find a partner. I can have Bobby look into it for you."

"I had one. But it fell apart."

Dean sighed and looked up, "is this where I admit that I was a total asshole and that I fucked things up?"

"No, it's where you admit that you thought you fucked things up when you didn't. We're better as a team and we both know it. Do you want to keep working vengeful spirits or do you want to go after the real monsters? We are the best out there, Dean."

Dean hesitated before he sighed and held the door open so that Cas could move past him and into his room. "I need to shower. Grave digging and...well you know the drill. Take a seat and give me a minute." He still hadn't made eye contact with Cas when he grabbed clean clothes and went into the bathroom. He stood under the hot stream, feeling the tension leaving his shoulders and arms. He only got about ten minutes before the water turned cold and he reached for a towel. His hair was still wet, the occasional droplet running down his neck or temple when he came out of the bathroom and sat down in a chair. The bottle of scotch was still in the bag and the cups were still on the dresser, wrapped in plastic.

"Go ahead, have a drink. I'll stay away from it. No more drunken mistakes." Cas said, handing Dean a cup without looking at him. 

Dean filled a glass and relaxed against the nubby fabric of the cheap chair. The silence was growing uncomfortable, he knew that he had to say something. "So you're here to get the dream team back together."

"We're good hunters on our own, together we are unstoppable and we both know that. I think that there are things out there that nobody really knows about..."

"I've lived with Bobby Singer, there isn't anything out there that I don't know about."

"There are things out there that you can't prove exist, but that's only because nobody has ever really seen one."

Dean knew where this was going, "Demons. I'm guessing that you've heard about my old man's crazy side. It wasn't exactly a secret, but most people never bring it up."

"I'm not most people, and I can't rule out that they exist. If they do, it's problematic and I can't think of many hunters who could take them down."

"We couldn't take them down, Cas. Nobody knows how."

"I've looked into it. There are special weapons. Things that have been blessed by the church. An old gun made by Samuel Colt that might be impossible to find, but it exists. A specific knife. If people made weapons, they must have had their reasons."

"Then what? We hunt dragons? Aliens? The Stay-Puft marshmallow man?"

"If they are real, then yes. I'm serious, Dean. I know that this is personal for you, and we don't need to get into why." Cas paused and tilted his head up, closing his eyes, "It's something that I need to do too," he said quietly.

"Why do you need to do it, Cas?"

"I guess we don't need to get into why I need to either. The point is, neither one of us can do it alone. Our best chance is to stick together. We let what happened in that room stay in that room and we hunt."

"It's really that simple?"

"It is for me. It has to be."

Dean finally looked over at Cas and realized that's what the problem was. It really was that simple to Cas, but it wasn't to him. He'd been blindly trusting the guy with his life for years, but he took things beyond that and Cas was acting like none of it mattered. Dean had never been on this side of things. He'd never known what it felt like to be meaningless.

Cas knew that he shouldn't say anything, that he needed to just leave it at that, but he couldn't. "Dean, what happened had the potential to either bring us closer or tear us apart. It hasn't exactly brought us closer and that's why I need to just put it away. I need to keep hunting, but I can't do it alone and I don't want to hunt with anybody but you. I trust you out there and I trusted you that night. We can't take it back so we either use it to our advantage or we walk away, and I don't want to walk away."

Dean set his drink on the table before he softly said, "Come here, Cas."

Cas hesitated before he silently stood up and moved around the table to stand in in front of Dean, already trying to control his breath. Dean reached out and slid his hands up Cas's thighs, squeezing his ass and pulling him closer between his legs. He slid his shirt up and ran his full lips across the subtle ridges of muscle on his stomach. "So we let it bring us closer together..." he whispered. Cas shivered and pulled his shirt over his head, arching his body against Dean's mouth. Dean quickly undid the button on his pants and pulled the zipper down, freeing him, dipping his head to slide his tongue across Cas's hard cock. He heard the gasp and did it again, pushing Cas's pants to the floor. His hands were moving up Cas's thighs before he wrapped his fingers around the base and started to slowly stroke, still swirling his tongue, taking it into his mouth. Cas couldn't move, all he could do was stand there and let Dean touch him, taste him, while he ran his fingers through his dark hair. "No, Dean. Not like this." he finally whispered. Dean stopped and looked up, he could see the need in Cas's eyes. He stood and they locked, intense green on bright blue. "This isn't about me, it needs to be about us..." Cas whispered, reaching to place his hand on the back of Dean's head, pulling him into a heated kiss. He fumbled with Dean's pants, leading Dean to reach down and help him before pulling his own shirt off and dropping them into a pile. Neither one was thinking about hunting when Cas led Dean to the bed and pulled him down, encouraging him to settle between his legs. They were both hard and slowly rocking, Dean sliding his full lips across Cas's neck, leaving bites, kissing the sensitive skin, stopping to let Cas feel his hot breath as they started rocking faster. Cas's hands were everywhere, he wanted to feel every inch of Dean's body. His fingers dug into the knotted shoulders, squeezing and massaging before sliding down his back. His hips tilted, encouraging Dean to rock harder. He could feel himself building, his cock trapped between their already sweat soaked bodies, the friction was almost unbearable. He was caught in a deep kiss and moaned when he pressed his hands against Dean's lower back and met him movement for movement. They were both starting to throb, sliding as hard as they could against one another before Cas pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and leaned his head back. Dean's name was an impassioned cry and he felt the sticky warmth spread between them. Dean was right there and with a few more slides against Cas's hard body let out a deep guttural moan and collapsed, sinking into Cas's arms. He buried his face against Cas's neck, refusing to second guess himself. Maybe Cas was right, maybe this would make them a stronger team. Maybe he was just trying to justify it to himself, but either way he couldn't let himself care. He had wanted this, they both did and they knew it. Things had changed, but neither one of them regretted it.

\-------------------------

"I should go get my own room," Cas mumbled when Dean finally rolled off of him.

"How about we should go get in the shower to wash off this mess and not worry about a room. You said that this could make us a stronger team if we leave what happens in the room behind us when we're out in the field."

Cas slowly nodded and followed Dean to the shower, letting him run his soapy hands all over his body, not knowing about the night Dean spent crying on the floor. Not knowing that was when Dean realized that he truly trusted Cas with his life, to either save it or take it if he needed him to. 

They crawled back into bed, naked but not touching when Dean pulled the blankets up. He couldn't remember the last time he'd actually shared a bed with somebody. "So you really believe that they exist?" he asked softly in the dark.

"Yes, I do."

"And you've heard about my dad. The things that he said."

"I have."

"Do you think there's a chance in hell that thing is real and that we can take it down?"

Cas rolled on his side, searching for Dean's eyes in the dark. "We have to try, don't we? Who knows what it has done since your mother died, what it will do. If it's out there, we need to stop it."

Dean didn't know why, but he pulled Cas to him, "I swear, you are the only one who understands that. They all tell me that they do, but it's just lip service. They tell me what they think I want to hear."

"You know that it will be ugly, right? When we find it, it's going to try to toy with your emotions. And we don't know what will happen afterwards. Things could get quiet or we could end up starting something even uglier. But, this is personal and I understand that. We will find it."

Dean kissed the top of Cas's head, "Nobody had ever really believed me, but you do. Why?"

"I don't know, instinct maybe? A lot of time spent out there? There are things that have happened that none of us can explain and we usually write them off and move on. I think that this will explain a lot, maybe too much."

"Too much?"

"It's uncharted territory, Dean. We don't know what will happen when people find out. Be prepared for that."

"I just want to kill the motherfucker."

"I know, and you will."

Dean started softly snoring while Cas laid awake wondering what he was doing. He'd started the ball rolling, they had to find the yellow eyed demon.

\-------------------------

Dean rolled over slowly and opened his eyes. Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed pulling his boots on. "Breakfast?" he asked with a smile.

"Uh, yeah, sure. Let me get up and get ready," Dean yawned. He threw his clothes on and brushed his teeth. Cas watched him pack his bag and reached for the doorknob. "Wait," Dean said softly, dropping the bag and moving towards Cas, pressing their lips together gently. He ran his hands down Cas's back and pulled their bodies close, waiting for Cas to part his lips, waiting to feel Cas's tongue. They finally deepened the kiss before pulling away slowly, both softly panting. Dean picked up his bag and wrapped his hand around the doorknob, "Okay, let's go." He turned back and saw the confusion on Cas's face. "The minute I cross this threshold I am a cold blooded killer. I needed to make sure that on this side of it, I'm something else." Cas nodded and followed him out. The mood changed, they were hunting partners and not lovers.

\-------------------------

They hunted almost continuously, and always shared a room. Dean didn't want to ask Bobby to research demons, and although he knew that Sam would look into it for him, he didn't want to bring him anywhere near it. They spent almost every waking moment together, always reaching for each other in the dark. They learned each other's habits, they knew how to please one another. They were like a well oiled machine with a hidden passion. Dean still tried to go see Sam on a fairly regular basis but had only been back to Bobby's once or twice. They never talked about where he'd been or what he'd been doing. Bobby didn't dare ask and Sam didn't need to know. Dean felt like he was getting closer, he felt like Cas was finding information that they needed. They knew that If anyone could find and take down a demon, it was them.

\-------------------------

Dean loved the mornings behind closed doors. The mornings when he could roll over in bed and pull Cas to him without a word. His rough calloused hands could move across velvety skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Gentle mouths and soft sighs. Slow lips skimming across supple flesh with warm beads of musky sweat and sultry moans. It was heated but tender, an unhurried passion that Dean had never known. A soft exploration of bodies moving together, neither of them wanting it to end. Whispered words and peaceful groans finally ended it gently, Dean's arm around Cas's neck, Cas reaching up to intertwine their fingers on his shoulder as they laid side by side.

Dean begrudgingly slid out of bed, reminding Cas that he needed to go see family. He never said Sam's name, and Cas didn't know where Sam was. He just knew that Dean would call him when he was done and they would plan where to meet up. Dean always came up with a different location and time frame. It's not that he didn't trust Cas, he trusted him more than ever. He still wanted to keep the life away from his brother. He bent down for a long kiss before walking to the door. He always turned and looked back, He loved how perfect Cas looked when he was still tired and laying in the bed that they shared. He gave him a grin before he left.

\-------------------------

He drove past the campus and parked in front of Sam and Jess's apartment. He checked his neck in the rearview mirror. Sometimes Cas left marks and he didn't want Sam asking questions. He was in the clear. He hopped up the few stairs to the apartment and knocked. They were expecting him this time. Jess opened the door with her signature squeal and threw her arms around him.

"Does she do that to every guy who knocks?" He grinned at Sam as he walked in.

"Yeah, pretty much," Sam smiled, reaching out to pull his brother into a bear hug. "Good to see you, man." They didn't talk about it, but Sam had talked to Bobby and knew that Dean had only been out to Sioux Falls a few times. He was hunting almost nonstop. 

Jess had given up on cooking after barely passing her culinary class so now they opted for take out. Besides when he was in bed with Cas, being with Sam and Jess was the only time that he felt like he could relax. It was the other place where he had to leave his hunter instincts at the door. 

"So, I have my interview for law school coming up." Sam mentioned during dinner.

"Really? That's great Sammy. I cannot wait until you are rich," Dean laughed.

"Yeah, neither can I." Sam hated that Jess's parents paid for the apartment and most of the bills so that they could attend classes full time. Her family had the money, but he still felt like a freeloader. He should be able to provide. "But I'm nervous as hell."

"Your interview will be amazing," Jess piped in, leaning forward to give Sam a kiss. "They will be lucky to have you, and you know it."

"Stanford Law, Jess. It's a little intimidating."

"You'll get through it," Dean said, smiling. Sam was raised by a hunter, adopted by a semi-retired hunter, and then spent almost four years at one of the most prestigious colleges in the world. There wasn't anything that Sam couldn't get through. He jumped when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He knew it must be Bobby checking in on him, so he let it go to voicemail. After a few minutes it buzzed again, and again he ignored it. After the third time he apologized and went outside. It had been Cas leaving three urgent voicemails to call him. He dialed the number with trepidation, Cas knew better than to call him when he was with Sam.

He used a simple, "What's up?" when Cas answered. This was a hunter's call, not a lovers call.

"I think that I found him."

"What?"

"I think that I found him, Dean. I don't know how, but it seems like a bunch of the puzzle pieces fell together while I was looking at some things today. He's in California."

Dean tried to keep the panic out of his voice. This was too close for comfort. "Um, okay. What do you mean by puzzle pieces?"

"He left a trail, and a messy one. House fires, strange occurrences, it all adds up. I know that I'm not supposed to call, but this may be our chance."

"We have no weapon, Cas. We aren't prepared for this."

"So we let him go?"

"No, I can't let him go. We wing it and use what we have I guess. So when and where?"

"San Jose, I can text you the coordinates. How quickly can you be there?"

Dean couldn't let on how close he was, "How much time do we have?"

"Probably not much. I would say late tonight, possibly tomorrow morning."

Dean sighed and looked up at the sky, "Send me the coordinates and we'll meet tonight. We need to get this done." Dean hung up before Cas could say anything else. His heart was pounding and he was visibly shaking. He needed to try to compose himself before he went back inside. Sam would already know who he'd been on the phone with.

"So, I really hate to cut this short but I totally forgot that I promised a friend I'd help him out."

Sam stared, and Jess pouted. She stood up and gave him a hug before Sam walked him to his car. "You promised a friend that you'd help him out?"

"Yeah, Sam. I've just got to go take care of something. I'll call you when I'm done."

"Dean, is this the..."

"Sam, I'll call you when I'm done." His heart was still racing. He checked his phone for the coordinates and realized exactly how close by that thing may be. He needed to find it before it found him, or Sam. "I really have to go." He hugged his brother, knowing that Sam could feel him shaking, before he got in his car and left. Sam stood on the sidewalk and watched him drive away. He felt like this might be the last time that he would see his brother alive.

\-------------------------

Cas scared the shit out of him when he opened the passenger door and slid inside of the car. "How did this happen, Cas? How did you find him? And if he is here, what in the hell are we going to do about it?"

"Like I said, puzzle pieces. Here, we have this." Cas handed Dean a gun.

"Is this the Colt, like Samuel Colt's gun? This can kill anything. Where in the hell did you get this?"

"I have connections."

"Bullshit, Cas. When we first started hunting together Bobby looked into you. Nobody knew who in the fuck you were. Nobody had ever worked with you. You didn't exist in this life until the night you helped me. You don't have any fucking connections."

Cas turned to Dean, his blue eyes blazing, "Do you know how many times you have asked me to trust you?"

"Yeah."

"Then you need to trust me. We don't have much time, and you have two shots. This is your kill, I'm just here for backup." He leaned forward and kissed Dean. Dean was surprised but wrapped his hand around the back of Cas's neck, pulling him close, deepening the kiss. Cas finally pulled away. "I figured that car doors are closed doors. We need to be as close and as strong as we've ever been. You make this kill and then we get the hell out of here." Dean nodded and they got out of the car quietly. 

They crossed the narrow street and opened the gate to the cemetery, hoping that the creaking sound was covered by the wind. They moved slowly through the shadows, looking for anything that didn't belong. Cas caught a glimpse of something move around the corner of an old tomb and signaled to Dean. They walked quietly, the gun shaking in Dean's hand, hiding behind trees and large grave markers. They made it around the corner and Dean saw a man with his back to them. He could have been a caretaker, some weirdo who liked hanging out in cemeteries at night, or it could be what he'd always wanted to face. The figure turned around and Dean could see the eyes, Cas had been right. He didn't notice Cas slip away from his side when he stepped out of the shadows, only ten feet separating him from the monster who had killed his mother. Cas told him that he had two shots, and he had to make them count.

"Ah, the eldest Winchester boy, too bad I like the other one better. I heard that your father died, so tragic considering that you lost your mother at such a young age. Mary Winchester was a lovely woman, such an unfortunate situation. Listen, I'd love to stay and chat, catch up on old times, but I have somewhere that I need to be, so if you'll excuse me."

"You aren't going anywhere you son of a bitch," Dean called, raising the gun.

"A gun, Dean. Really?"

"Oh no, this one is special, made for assholes just like you." He could barely see through the tears when he took the shot. The bullet pierced the demon in the chest, and with a fine spray of yellow smoke, he was gone. It all happened so quickly. His entire life had led up to something that took just a matter of seconds. Dean was frozen, he didn't even notice Cas standing where the demon had been. He didn't know that Cas had grabbed the demon so that Dean could get his shot. Dean was dizzy and sick. He dropped the gun and bent at the waist with his hands on his legs, retching and crying. He started to fall when Cas reached for him. 

"You need to keep it together. We need to get out of here and we need to do it now. Where are your keys? I'll drive." Cas picked up the Colt and wrapped his other arm around Dean.

Dean dug his keys out of his pocket and let Cas help him to the car. It wasn't until they hit the highway that Dean was able to talk. "Did that just..."

"Yes, Dean. You killed the yellow eyed demon and we need to get the hell out of here. I need to get you somewhere safe."

"Somewhere safe. Why do we need to get somewhere safe? What in the hell is going on Cas?"

"I'll explain it to you when we get there. Try to relax."

Instead of relaxing, Dean sobbed for hours while Cas drove.

\-------------------------

Dean didn't know where in the hell they were when Cas pulled onto a dirt road. It was at least another half hour before he stopped the car in front of a small cabin and got out. Dean was still in a state of disbelief and shock. Cas had to open the passenger door and help him out. "I need to call Sam," he mumbled.

"Okay, you may not get reception up here but it needs to be short and simple and we need to get inside."

Dean dialed the number and the line started to ring. He could hear Sam's sigh of relief when he answered. Dean had been gone for less than 12 hours and he was already calling. "It's done, Sam."

"It's done? You found it? You killed it?" Sam whispered, the reception was bad, Sam could barely make out what Dean was saying.

"It's done. I can't go into it. I'll call you later."

"Wait, Dean. What..." All Sam heard was the line go dead. 

\-------------------------

Cas got Dean into a chair and knelt in front of him, holding him, trying to calm him. He knew that it was going to be bad. He finally felt Dean begin to relax as he handed him a drink. Dean took a sip and tilted his head back. "What in the fuck just happened, Cas? What did we do?"

"What you've always wanted to do. What you've always needed to do."

"So why are we here? Why didn't we just find a motel and call this whole thing done?"

"We have plenty of time to talk," Cas said quietly, sliding his hands up Dean's shirt, across his chest and around to his back.

"Cas, I don't know that now is the time...."

"Dean, I wasn't..."

"You know what?" Dean said, downing his drink, pouring another to swallow in one large gulp. "Now is actually the perfect time." He stood up, dug through his bag, and reached for Cas. There was nothing soft and gentle about Dean tonight, and Cas knew it when Dean caught him in a hard kiss. They ripped, pulled, and pushed until their clothes laid in a pile on the floor. Dean sat back on the couch and pulled Cas on top of him grabbing him by the back of the head and leaning in for another rough kiss. Cas's fingers were digging into his arms, his hips already starting to move. He felt the first slick finger with no warning, the second one knew where to touch and he slid up and down against them, moaning "You are going to ride my cock, and you are going to ride it hard. We are both going to be sore as hell tomorrow..." Dean softly growled, still sliding his fingers in and out, biting and sucking at any skin that his mouth could reach. He was leaving marks and he didn't care. Cas was moaning, and gasped when he felt the third finger. This was desperate, it was frenzied, and they both needed to just fuck. Cas lined himself up and slid down Dean's cock, letting Dean dig his fingers into his hips, his thighs, his ass. He could see the fear, the confusion, the last 20 years in Dean's eyes. He started to move up and down, trapping his own cock between them, nipping and biting Dean's neck and shoulders, gripping the tight muscles. They both needed the pain and pleasure. Dean was lifting his hips, "Hard, Cas. Fuck me hard..." Cas could feel Dean squeezing his hip, leaving bruises, moving the other hand up to grab his shoulder from behind. Their bodies slid together almost violently. Cas didn't need to reach between them, the rough friction that was trapping his cock against Dean's body was enough to make him come. Dean's name reverberated off of the wooden walls as he let himself go. "Come on..." he whispered desperately in Dean's ear. Dean groaned, tears were starting to form as he thrust one final time and cried out, pulling Cas down hard against him. He slowly released his iron grip and rested his sweaty forehead against Cas's shoulder before wrapping his arms around him. Cas leaned against him, holding him as close as he could while Dean cried. 

\-------------------------

"I should probably apologize for that," Dean finally sniffled. 

"No, you shouldn't. That was both of us. We're going to be sore for a few days, but we needed it. There's a small shower, but we can both fit. C'mon..." Cas got up off the couch and held his hand out. Dean was emotionally exhausted and physically worn out. They both had marks and bruises all over their bodies, but neither one cared. Cas got Dean to relax under the hot water and gently massaged his tight muscles, kissing him softly and pulling him close before drying them off and crawling into bed. They laid down facing one another. "I know that you have questions, Dean. I'll explain everything tomorrow. Right now you need to sleep. Just know, it's over. You did what you've always needed to do. I'll handle the rest." Dean didn't know what Cas meant, but rolled on his side and let Cas wrap his arms around him. He was still crying softly when he finally dozed off.

\-------------------------

Dean woke up and didn't know where in the hell he was. He had a pounding headache, his body was sore, and he could smell coffee brewing. He made his way into the bathroom and saw the dark purple and red marks in the mirror. He could see spots where teeth had almost broken the skin. He remembered what had happened on the couch, and he wondered how Cas was feeling. It couldn't be good. He threw on some boxers and wandered into the kitchen. He watched Cas grab another mug before filling it with black coffee and sliding it towards him. From the looks of his neck, chest, and shoulders, Cas had gotten the worst of it. 

"Hey, I'm uh sorry about all of the, you know..."

"Don't be. I'm fine. You're a little worse for wear too."

"So," Dean's voice was quiet and rough. "How much of yesterday was real?"

"All of it."

"All of it? So I killed it? You found it and I killed it."

"Yes, Dean. It's gone. And I need to explain some things to you. I should probably let you wake up a little bit before I do. We should have plenty of time."

"I'm guessing that means that we're camping out here for awhile."

"We have to."

"Okay, and why is that?"

Cas sighed deeply and hesitated. He knew that Dean probably wasn't ready to hear what he had to say, but he owed him an explanation. "Dean, I'm wanted. There are...people out there who want me, and they may want you too. I don't know for sure, but until I find out, we aren't going anywhere."

"Wait, wanted? You're wanted? I have known you for what, over five years now and other than being a great hunter and amazing in bed, you've always seemed like a pretty boring son of a bitch. What did you do?"

Cas took a deep breath, "This is going to be extremely difficult to understand, but I really need you to trust me." He waited for Dean to nod before he continued. "I had orders, and I have defied them."

"Orders? From who? Wait, you've been working for somebody this entire time?"

"I guess you could say that."

"So that first night, when you showed up at the vamp nest and saved my ass, that wasn't a coincidence, was it?"

Cas took a deep breath and poured more coffee into Dean's mug. He was glad that he had stocked the cabin with plenty of coffee, food, and especially liquor. "No, I was sent there."

Dean's head was still pounding. "Do you have any Tylenol? Ibuprofen? Anything that might get rid of a headache?" Cas dug through the kitchen drawers until he found something and handed it to Dean. "It's obvious that you weren't sent to kill me. You've gone through a hell of a lot to keep me alive. So you were sent to babysit me. Was sleeping with me part of the job?"

Cas sighed, "No, that's actually the night that I began to defy my orders. I was supposed to keep you alive, that was all. I wasn't supposed to get close to you."

"We didn't get close, Cas. We fucked."

Cas turned his head away and looked out of the small window above the sink, "This isn't about whether or not it meant anything to either one of us, but I seem to recall that I wasn't the one who needed to talk about it afterwards."

"You're right, you are, and I'm sorry. That was a fucked up thing to say. I just can't figure out how we got from point A to point B here. You were sent to keep an eye on me. You knew where to find me in that vamp nest that first night, which is a little fucking creepy. Especially because I can't imagine why anyone would go through as much as you have to keep my ass alive. It must have scared the shit out of you when that Alpha tried to turn me. I was ready to ask you to kill me that night. That was the beginning of the end?"

"Yes, it was."

"Why?" Dean asked, watching Cas's face. "Cas look at me. Tell me why."

Cas turned his head and they locked eyes, "Because if things had gone bad, if you would have somehow swallowed his blood and started to turn, I would have killed you. I've spent years trying to keep you alive, but that night I would have killed you because that's what you would have wanted."

"But it didn't happen that way. You chopped the fucker's head off and helped clean me up. You kept me alive that night. Seriously, is it because we slept together?"

"No, Dean."

"Then what, Cas? You've really got to help me out here because I am not following."

Cas tore his eyes away and turned back to the window, "What you wanted should not have mattered to me."

"That's a little heartless, considering..."

"It's supposed to be. I was supposed to keep your heart beating, that's all. Our partnership had gone exactly as planned until I lost track of you in that house that night. We knew nothing of each other, we hunted and we kept each other alive, that's it. It should have stayed that way. I made a mistake."

"A mistake? What in the hell is all of this, Cas? I'm getting that it's serious because we are in the middle of fucking nowhere, hiding from...I don't even know who we're hiding from."

"My family," Cas said quietly.

"Your what?" Dean asked incredulously. 

"My family, Dean. My given name is Castiel, I have no last name. I knew where to find you that first night, I've always known where to find you. I not only knew that your mother was killed by a demon, I found him and I took you to him. I handed you the gun that you used to kill Azazel."

"He had a fucking name? And you know this because...wait...are you..."

"Am I a demon? No, quite the opposite actually. I'm an angel, Dean. I'm an angel of the lord."

Dean dropped his head in his hands and began to cry. Cas knew that he couldn't touch him, he just needed to give him time. Dean would either accept it as the truth, or he would leave.

\-------------------------

Cas stared out of the window and listened to Dean quietly cry. He knew that his brethren could show up at any time, he knew what they would do to him when they did. "I don't think that they will come after you, they have no use for you now, but I need to make sure," Cas said softly. "I altered destiny when I took you to Azazel, it's me that they'll want. He was on his way to kill Jessica last night."

"Jess?" Dean whispered. "Why Jess?"

"This isn't just about you, Dean. They need Sam. They need you both in order to fulfill the prophecy."

"The what?"

"It's a prophecy." Cas took a deep breath and just started to talk. "John and Mary Winchester did not meet and fall in love because of fate. They were destined, as were their two sons. Azazel was in Sam's nursery that night. He was dripping his own blood into Sam's mouth, much like what the Alpha tried to do to you. Your mother walked in, and Azazel killed her. Sam carries demon blood, Dean. He doesn't know it, and as long as he stays away from this life, as long as you continue to keep him away from it, he never will."

"Wait, Sam carries what?"

"Azazel was intent upon creating an army of special children, Sam is one of them. Your brother has powers, psychic powers, but he is unaware of them. Things do happen that he can't explain, strange dreams, more frequent experiences of dejavu, but nothing that is severe enough for him to question it. The plan was that once Jessica had been killed, then Sam would return to this life and he too would die."

"What? Cas..."

"They knew that you would trade your soul for Sam's life. They counted on your loyalty and love towards your brother. I was to retrieve your soul from hell after you had broken the first seal."

"Hell? The first seal? You know how fucking crazy this sounds, right?" Dean was ready to get up and leave, but he couldn't move. He needed to hear what Cas had to say.

"I do, but I have no reason to lie to you."

"How was I supposed to break this seal?"

"By finally deciding that you couldn't take any more torture, any more pain. The countdown to the apocalypse starts when the first seal is broken 'And it is written, that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in hell. As he breaks, so shall it break'. You were to be that righteous man."

"The apocalypse? What in the fuck are you talking about?"

"You know that demons exist. I'm not sure if you believe that I am an angel, but I'm guessing that you see the logic. In order for light to exist, there must be dark. In order to love to exist, there must be hatred. In order for evil to exist, there must be good. The apocalypse is the ultimate showdown, Us vs. Them. It all begins when the first seal is broken in hell by a chosen son and ends when a battle ensues between brothers, both chosen. Sam was to be the vessel for Lucifer, you were to be Michael's. By raising your soul from hell, they felt like you would be indebted to them."

"And they thought that Sam would just agree to this?" Dean asked quietly.

Cas turned again met Dean's eyes, "Sam carries demon blood. He would have had no other choice."

Dean dropped his head, "It wouldn't have happened, Cas. Even if I hadn't killed that motherfucker it wouldn't have happened. There is no way that either Sam or I would agree to any of that."

"The Winchesters are strong, that is part of the appeal. They thought that they could outsmart you, both sides did. They knew that they could use your loyalties against you, convince you to make another sacrifice in order to save your brother, but it would have been for nothing. The other side still would have gotten to Sam, they would be doing the same things to get him to agree. In the end, you would have been manipulated into facing each other on a battlefield. No matter the outcome of the fight, in the end you both would have died."

"So you were sent here to keep me alive just so I could go to the grave on their terms?"

"I was sent to ensure that the prophecy was fulfilled. They were unsure what would happen when Azazel became careless and killed your father."

"Wait, what? That yellow eyed piece of shit killed my father? But I was right there..."

"Your father was getting too close, Azazel was temperamental. His attack on your father changed the game. We have always watched you and Sam from afar, and continued to do so until you became reckless. That's when I was sent here."

"Wait, if any of this is true then that means you didn't have a cousin in Sioux Falls."

"Rachel was sent to watch Sam. My presence at the party was not a coincidence, but I did not know that the Winchesters would be there. Rachel's abilities had come into question, and as her superior I was sent to speak to her, watch her, and report back. I should have intervened sooner, that was a mistake on my part. I was never meant to meet Sam until the end."

"But if he was supposed to co-star in the role of Lucifer, why would you want to keep his ass alive?"

"It's a divine prophecy, Dean. We needed to protect both sides in order for it to come to pass. Now that will never happen."

"Because you met up with me at a cemetery in San Jose and handed me a gun."

"Yes."

Dean stood up and started pacing, reflexively rubbing his forehead. None of this made any sense, but Cas seemed to know things that he shouldn't know. "So an Alpha vamp trying to turn me stopped the apocalypse?"

"I guess that is the simplest way to put it."

"So you really are an..."

"An angel? Yes."

"You don't exactly look like what I'd expect an angel to look like. I mean I've seen every inch of you."

"This is a human vessel of a very devout man. He offered it to me so that I could roam the earth. His soul no longer resides within it. Everything that I do and say, the choices that I make are all me. He no longer exists, I do."

"You know that I'm going to need some time to digest this, right? Probably a lot of time, and some heavy drinking."

"Do you still have your headache."

"Yes I still have my headache. The more we talk, the worse it gets." Cas moved towards Dean and gently touched his forehead. "Wait, what in the fuck? How did you do that?"

"I'm an angel, Dean."

Dean sank down on the couch with his head in his hands, "I am so fucked up right now, but I have to believe you. You know too much, and you just did that. I killed a demon last night, I know that they're real. They have to have a flip side. Your good to their evil, although your idea of good sounds pretty fucked up. You were going to sacrifice me? Try to convince me to kill my own brother? I thought that angels were all about love and forgiveness and all of that bullshit. I must have missed the day at Sunday school when they explained that you are actually a bunch of assholes."

"I guess in many ways we are, but we love humanity."

"That's not very convincing, Cas."

"We love humanity, but we do not single out one human above the others. We make decisions based on the greater good."

"Your greater good is fucked up. Start the apocalypse, end the apocalypse, watch one brother kill another. And it's not like you were going to be there to watch it happen, you were sent here to make it happen."

"It's a divine prophecy, Dean."

"Fuck your prophecy, Cas! These are lives! This is my life, and Sam's life, and Jess's life. My mother, my father. You stand here and tell me that you love humanity, but you had the potential to end up with a whole lot of blood on your hands in the name of your prophecy! You have spent years by my side, staring down some of the ugliest things out there, and you were ready to just hand me over. You were going to let Jess die, let Sam die, and watch me go to hell. All for your greater good? I have trusted you. I have relied on you to watch my back time after time. And for what? So that you could have a front seat to the big show? Get a gold star on your forehead for a job well done?"

"Those were my orders, Dean, but I couldn't follow through. I defied them."

"Why? Because of me? Because somehow the asshole angel who wasn't supposed to get close to me woke up one day feeling all warm and fuzzy towards Dean Winchester?"

"I don't know. That night, what you wanted mattered to me. I was prepared to kill you, which would have gone against everything that I have been trained to do. I wouldn't have let you turn because I knew that's not what YOU wanted. I wasn't thinking about my orders, I was thinking about you. I don't understand emotions, Dean. I don't know what any of it meant. What I do know is that I could no longer do my job, not effectively. That night I saw that the greater good is, as you say, fucked up. I started to question. I questioned myself, I questioned my orders, I even questioned the prophecy. I have never questioned anything. What I should have done is gone to my superiors and explained the situation. I should have told them that you almost turned, I should have asked them for guidance. Instead I sat in a cheap motel room drinking scotch, relieved that you were okay, and then I ended up in your bed. Those are all expressions of free will, which I am not supposed to be capable of. There is something wrong with me, Dean. After that, it just got too big. One act led to another and then another until I realized that I couldn't let Azazel kill Jessica, I couldn't let Sam die, I couldn't let you go to hell. I shouldn't feel this way, I shouldn't feel anything. I felt what you wanted and what you needed and I gave into it. I wanted you to live, but not because of the prophecy."

Dean just stared at the floor, "So what now?"

"I've already let things go too far. There is a price on my head but they won't kill me, it will be much worse. I don't know what they plan to do with you, hopefully nothing. You are useless to them now and I warded you against them."

"Wait, you what?"

"I warded you. When I ran my hands across your chest last night, I was etching warding sigils onto your ribs. They can't find you."

"So you weren't...wow talk about lack of communication, but that's not the point. You can't do something like that to yourself?"

"No, nothing I do to my body will stop them, not as long as I have my grace. I can try to protect my surroundings, ward a building, but I don't know if it would work. They are powerful, Dean."

Dean stood up to pace again, "You saved my ass. Even if I were to say that I don't believe any of this shit, you still saved my ass. It's my turn to save yours. Protect your surroundings, what do I need to do?"

"Dean..."

"Damnit Cas! I still have a shit ton of questions and I'm not going to get a whole lot of answers if they show up. What do I need to do?"

"All we can do is try to recreate the warding pattern on the outside of the cabin."

"So show me."

Cas sighed deeply and turned to lock eyes with Dean. They'd already come this far. He grabbed a pen and piece of paper and started drawing out the sigils. What they looked like, where they needed to be placed. 

"Okay, if I'm warded then I should be fine to go into town, right?"

Cas just nodded, nervously chewing on his bottom lip.

"So how do I get to town? I'll grab spray paint and call Sam."

"Back down the dirt road, and then about 15 miles north there is a small town. You can probably find everything that you need there." Cas said quietly.

"This isn't over, Cas." Dean threw on his clothes and left. It wasn't until Cas heard the engine of the Impala rev that he finally sank to the floor. Now he was at the top of the slippery slope and the only way he could see was down.

\-------------------------

Dean put the car in park and picked up his phone, he took a deep breath before he pulled up his brother's number and hit dial. "Hey Sam...Yeah I'm okay. Sorry about last night, really long day, really bad reception...It was him...I saw his eyes, he talked to me, he said her name...I couldn't tell you that I was getting close and I'm not going to tell you how it went down. I don't want you anywhere near this...I understand that, but all you need to know is that it's done...No, I'm not at Bobby's. I need to clear my head for awhile so I'm staying with a friend...When your entire life has been about one thing and that one thing is no longer an issue it kind of fucks with you...I did the right thing, Sam. I just need time...No I'm not going to tell you where I am, but you don't need to worry. I'll call you and check in. Give Jess a hug for me." 

He hung up and hesitated before he made the next call.

"Hey Bobby...I figured that he'd call you. I'm fine...Yeah, it was him...Bobby, I couldn't tell anybody what was going on and I'm not going to talk about what happened. It's done, that's all anybody needs to know...I know you want me to come home, but I need some time...I'm going to tell you what I told Sam. When your entire life has been about one thing and that one thing is no longer an issue, it kind of fucks with you...You should know me well enough to know that I'm playing it safe. But I need a favor...Okay, what do you know about the apocalypse and the breaking of the seals?...I'm catching up on my bible study, that's why. Can you just look into it for me?...Oh and also see what you can find about angel on angel battle...I know that it doesn't make sense and if you don't want to do it...No, I will explain. Now is just not the time...I'm fine and I'm safe...I just need time, Bobby. You and Sam need to trust me...I'll call and check in. Give Ellen my love."

He took a deep breath and got out of the car, pocketing his keys before he went into the store. It took him a minute to realize that he was getting strange looks because his neck was covered in bite marks, not because he was somehow unknowingly advertising that he'd killed a demon with help from an angel. He was paranoid and nervous, he couldn't stop looking at the maps tucked neatly onto a rack by the cash register. Part of him wanted to grab one, figure out the fastest way back to Bobby's, and leave this all behind him. Cas said that he was warded, that the angels wouldn't be able to find him, but he couldn't do it. Whether he believed Cas's story or not, he owed it to him to stick around. He paid for the spray paint and few groceries with a phony credit card and walked back to the car. Killing the yellow eyed demon may have ended a lifelong need for vengeance, but it had started something else and he needed to see it through. He twisted the rearview mirror and looked at himself before he threw it into reverse. He somehow expected to look different, as old and worn out as he felt. Other than the dark purple and red marks, he looked the same. After readjusting the mirror he let out a deep sigh and headed back towards the cabin. He had work to do.

\-------------------------

After wordlessly dropping the bags of groceries on the counter, Dean grabbed the paper that Cas had used to map out the sigil arrangement. He could see Cas out of the corner of his eye, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. He didn't know what to say. He went outside and got to work, making sure that he did exactly what Cas had drawn out. Cas had kept him alive for years, Cas was wanted because of him and he needed to do what he could to protect him. It was his turn to keep Cas alive.

\-------------------------

"So how far are we from Sioux Falls?"

"I don't know, sixteen maybe eighteen hours. The way you drive you might make it in fourteen. You're going home," Cas said quietly.

Dean turned and looked at Cas, he'd never seen him look so afraid or so alone. "Yeah, well no, I mean not for good. I need to go to Bobby's for a couple of days, but I'll be back. I'm not leaving tonight. I'm not leaving anytime soon. Cas, this is some pretty serious shit and we are in this together. I'm not going to leave you here to fight on your own. Come here." Cas stood up and walked to Dean, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. Dean wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, "listen, you laid a lot on me and I'm still processing it. But, I'm alive because of you. If what you say is true, Sam and Jess are alive because of you. I killed that demon because of you. It's my turn to make sure that your heart keeps beating." Dean could feel Cas softly crying and pulled him closer. 

"I'm not supposed to do this, Dean. I'm not supposed to cry, I'm not supposed to feel anything."

"I know, but you do and we can't change that. We'll just work with it, okay? I don't know how many times I have asked you over the years to trust me, but right now I really need you to. I'm not going to let anything happen. Look at me." Cas pulled his head away from Dean's shoulder and tilted it back. Bluer than blue eyes looking into intense green ones, both full of fear and confusion. Dean cupped Cas's face and wiped away the tears with his thumbs. "Listen, I've lived a fucked up life. I've seen things that people don't know even exist. I killed a demon, Cas. Maybe this doesn't make sense to me yet, but I believe you. I need you to know that I'm not going to turn my back on you. Angel, human, whatever...we are still the best team out there." He knew that Cas needed to feel him when he leaned forward and gently kissed him. Cas parted his lips and their tongues slid together with a subtle desperation. Dean's rough hands became soft when he slowly slid their clothes off and led Cas to the couch, laying him down, letting Cas reach for him. He settled between Cas's legs, still wiping away tears, pressing his full lips against the dark bruises that he had created. Cas's body was trembling beneath him when he started to rock, unhurried and fluid. Their bodies slid together, both wanting reassurance. Cas's touch was light but hungry, they needed this to bring them together. Any pain that was left from the night before disappeared with the slow friction that caused a visible shiver. Dean whispered all of the things that Cas needed to hear as they clung to each other, wanting it to last but needing the release. Dean could feel the tension in Cas's legs as they pressed against his hips, "It's okay, baby. Let it go," he whispered before holding him in a deep kiss. The perfect arch of Cas's body, the way he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, the soft moans all put Dean over the edge and they came together. Dean let his body relax in Cas's arms, still running his full lips across his neck and along his jaw. Cas turned for a long lingering kiss, knowing that Dean wasn't going to leave him. Dean cleaned them up with his well worn t-shirt and rolled on his side, pulling Cas against him. "I have no idea where this this going to take us, but this isn't just your fight." Cas could only nod as he reached to pull the old blanket off of the back of the couch and covered their bodies. Dean pulled him closer and he shivered when he felt the soft snore against the back of his neck. He wrapped his fingers around Dean's arms and settled against him. Dean's survival had been his job, now Dean's survival was his everything.

\-------------------------

Dean murmured sleepily, pulling Cas closer. "How long have I been out?"

"I don't know, probably a couple of hours. You needed to sleep." 

"So let's recap, it's been a long fucking couple of days. Demons, angels, prophecies, warding sigils, and we're both wanted by the God Squad. Did I miss anything?"

"Not that I can think of."

He softly kissed the back of Cas's neck. "It looks like we are stuck together in this charming little slice of heaven. I noticed that ancient TV and that at some point somebody was smart enough to bring a DVD player. Now the selection at the general store in the middle of nowhere was not great, but I dug through the bargain bin and found a few really bad movies. I got a deck of cards and some dice, I can teach you all the finer points of any card game known to man. Sam and I used to go through decks of cards like crazy, sometimes I think it was the only thing that kept us sane when our father was working. If we are safe for the time being, then maybe we can come up with a plan, but we will need something to distract us." He kissed Cas again and his voice softened, "this is big, Cas. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, and that may take some time. But, I'm in it for the long haul. Yes, I need to go to Bobby's at some point, but I'll only go if I think that you're safe."

"You don't need to be here at all, Dean."

"I know that I don't. I could have turned on that highway and never looked back, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had."

"I don't want you here if they come, I don't want you to see it."

"I need to be here, Cas. Do you have anything besides the warding?"

"I have an angel blade. It's the only thing that can kill them."

"Well then we have warding and a weapon."

"They will come as a group, we have one weapon."

"What about the Colt? It still has one shot."

"It won't work against them. We have very little to protect us."

"Cas, look at me." Dean waited until Cas turned his head, "I don't know what in the fuck is going on here, but even if you tell me to leave, I won't. Whether you'll admit it to me or not, you need me. I don't take that lightly."

Cas rolled in his arms so that he could see those intense green eyes. He always saw a story in Dean's eyes. He saw all of the things that Dean couldn't say. "I know you don't," he whispered, leaning forward for a soft kiss before crawling out from under the blanket and holding his hand out. "Shower?"

Dean reached out and wrapped Cas's hand in his. "Shower and then a bad movie with liquor and junk food. Let's spend a few hours not worrying about what may be outside that door."

\-------------------------

Dean knew that telling Cas stories about his childhood was pointless. It was nothing more than a string of re-runs. Cas already knew everything about him and there was something both unnerving and comforting in that. Cas didn't have stories to tell, he just listened. They watched movies, played cards, and reached for each other when the fear would start to set in. Dean knew that he couldn't move forward, that he couldn't come up with a way to help Cas until he talked to Bobby. He needed to know what they were up against. 

\-------------------------

"I need to go to Bobby's, but I hate the idea of leaving you here alone," Dean said quietly.

Cas turned and searched for his eyes in the dark, "Dean, I don't want you here if they come. I've told you that."

"But I'm a stubborn asshole who doesn't listen, you wouldn't be the first to tell me that. I know that you can't leave, it would be too complicated to take you with me anyway. Bobby is going to ask a lot of questions, and so is Sam."

"You're going to go see Sam?"

"I owe it to him. And I need to see for myself that him and Jess are okay. I don't know what I'm going to tell him yet. I don't know what I'm going to tell any of them. I don't know what I'm going to say when they ask me why I'm leaving, where I'm going."

"Dean, you don't..."

"Have to come back here? Yes I do." Dean pulled Cas to him. "What are you going to do after they find you? I mean, if we end this, if we are able to stop them, what are you going to do? I'm guessing you won't be welcome upstairs any time soon."

"I don't know. I haven't thought about the future because I'm not convinced that I have one. Either they aren't looking for me yet, or the warding is working, but it won't last. Something will happen and if I somehow survive, I don't know what I'll do. Probably roam the earth alone, as pathetic as it sounds."

"You aren't alone, Cas."

"Not right now, but unless they kill me, I'm infinite."

Dean pulled Cas closer and gently kissed his forehead. He felt guilty for the times that he tried to forget that Cas was an angel. What they had between them was complicated enough. Cas had passionately shared his bed as a lover for years. Dean had trusted him with his life as a hunting partner for even longer. Those were human hands that reached for him, it was a human voice that spoke to him. He had seen Cas bleed and cry and laugh. Castiel may be an angel of the lord, but Dean didn't know Castiel, he knew Cas. The thought of Cas roaming the earth alone saddened him almost as much as the idea of Cas being taken from him. "It's nothing we have to figure out tonight," he whispered before holding him in a deep kiss. He let himself be pulled into the human arms that had spent so many nights comforting him, helping him keep the fear at bay. Cas kissed him back eagerly and in that moment nothing else mattered. Dean's mind was cleared of everything other than the body that he felt against him.

\-------------------------

Cas was impatiently watching the coffee maker, willing it to hurry up. He could hear Dean moving around the cabin, packing a bag. He knew that it was a very real possibility what when he watched Dean walk out the door, it could be for the last time. 

"I figure I should make it to Sam's tonight. I'll hang out there for a day or two before I head to Bobby's. I have some things that I need to take care of, it'll take a few days. Then at least another day driving back. So we're looking at a week, maybe a little longer. Are you going to be okay?"

"Dean..."

Cas felt Dean's arms slide around him from behind and the gentle kiss against the back of his neck. "Listen, you are going to be here alone without any cell service in this cabin. I am not going to be able to get a hold of you and you are not going to be able to get a hold of me, but I'm coming back, Cas." 

"I know you are," Cas sighed, leaning back against him. He had been ready to accept his punishment. He had asked Dean to leave, to let him give himself up, but Dean wouldn't. They knew that he could still give himself up after Dean left, but they both knew that he wouldn't. He would wait.

"Okay, so it's settled. Now turn around and kiss me so that I can get on the road." Cas turned in his arms and placed his hand on the back of Dean's neck, pulling him into a deep kiss. Dean pressed him against the counter with his body, running his hands up his sides and moaning softly. "If you keep that up, I'll never get out of here," he whispered against Cas's mouth. Cas loosened his grip and pressed his forehead to Dean's. "Cas, I'll be back in a week or so. Just stay in here, watch stupid movies, play solitaire, do whatever you need to do to pass the time. Do not leave the cabin. We both know that once you're outside, you won't be able to get back in because of the warding and I can't have you up here as a sitting duck. We're going to get this figured out." Cas just nodded and kissed him gently before turning to pour the hot coffee into a thermos. 

"Just, be careful Dean."

"You know that I will." Dean whispered, kissing Cas one last time before grabbing the thermos, picking up his bag, and walking towards the door. He turned around before he closed it behind him and gave Cas the signature Dean Winchester grin and wink. When he heard the door click, his grin faded. He needed to see Sam, to see Bobby, but he was afraid to leave Cas alone. He took a deep breath before he threw his bag in the backseat and slid behind the steering wheel. He turned the key and started down the dirt road.

\-------------------------

He knew that he probably should have called Sam before he showed up, but he had been too distracted. He pulled up in front of the small apartment and put it in park. He sighed deeply as he got out of the car and knocked on the door. He knew that Sam would have questions, and he didn't have answers. He didn't get a signature squeal when Jess answered the door, she wrapped her arms around him and yelled for Sam. He saw Sam's shadow and heard the gasp, "Dean! Holy shit! Come here," Sam pulled his brother into a bear hug. "Dude, I had no idea...I've been wondering..."

"Sam, let's close the door before we let all of the cold air in?"

Sam just nodded at Jess, tears welling up in his eyes as he led Dean into the apartment and grabbed him a beer. "I don't know how long you've been on the road, but I'm guessing that you could use this."

"Desperately," Dean answered, popping the cap off and taking a long drink before he sat down at the table.

"Wow, you're here and in one piece." Sam said quietly.

"Sam said that you ran into an old family acquaintance. He said that it wasn't a pleasant. I'm sorry Dean," 

"Thanks Jess, I appreciate it. I'm just happy to see that you two are okay." Dean was having a hard time holding back his emotions when he looked at the beautiful blonde who so obviously loved his brother. Jess was safe and she was looking at Sam like he was her everything. Less than two weeks ago there was a demon on his way to kill her, to take from Sam what mattered to him the most.

"I'm going to go run some errands and give you two some time to talk." Jess smiled sweetly before she kissed Sam and left.

"I don't even know what to say. I mean, I know that you don't like talking to me about this shit, but you got him. You really got him." Sam stammered as soon as Jess shut the door behind her.

"I got him, Sam. Almost my entire life led up to a moment that took just a few seconds, but I'll never forget watching that motherfucker turn into smoke right in front of me."

"But how...I mean you never even let on that you were close...."

"Sam, I'm keeping you away from this, you know that I have to. All I'm going to say is that things fell into place. I found him, I had a weapon, and I took care of it."

"Were you alone?" Sam asked quietly.

"No, I had help. We don't need to talk about that either. I know how you feel."

"Dean, I met the guy one time when I was 18. You've kept hunting because you needed to, and if he kept your ass alive for all of these years then I owe him a huge thank you and not resentment. Is that where you've been? With him?"

"Sam..."

"Dean, I'm not a pissed off kid anymore. I need to know that you are okay. I know you haven't been to Bobby's, I don't know where in the hell you've been and as much as I want to know, I'm not going to ask. It took me a long time to realize that you are safer when you are with him."

"I am, I always have been," Dean said softly. His tone didn't go unnoticed.

"So you haven't been alone?"

"Sam, if it makes you feel better to know that Cas was with me that night, that he's been helping me get through this, then yes. That's where I've been. I've spent years hunting with the guy and he was a big part of what went down. He gets it, he saw how big of a mess I was and he got me the fuck out of there and somewhere safe where I can clear my head. I'm going to be fine. I honestly never really expected to find the son of a bitch and I'm like a fish out of water right now. I promised that I'd hang it up, and I will. I just need..."

"Time. I know, and I get it. I may not understand your life, but I do get it. Dad was right, and you finished the job. I know that things must seem fucked up right now, but whatever you need, I'm always here. I hope you know that. You've kept me away from it all and I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have been accepted into the law program if you hadn't."

"Seriously? You were accepted? I'm so damn proud of you, Sammy. Law school, Jess, This is what I wanted for you, man." Dean smiled, reaching to give his brother another hug.

"My happily ever after with a white picket fence?" Sam chuckled.

"Yes, your happily ever after."

"What about you?"

Dean took another long drink before he answered, "guys like me don't get a happily ever after. We survive."

"Bobby did."

"Well, Bobby got lucky when he found Ellen. They are the exception to the rule. He got a late start in the life, he wasn't raised in it like I was."

"Can I ask you a question?"

Dean sighed, he knew that Sam would have questions and a lot of them. "Of course you can."

"How deep are you in? With Cas? Maybe it's none of my business, it's probably none of my business, but you don't spend that many years trusting somebody just because they're good on the hunt."

"Yeah, actually you do. On my own, I'm good. As good as anyone out there, maybe better. But with him, I up my game. He saved me from an Alpha, he helped me find that yellow eyed bastard. How deep am I in? I'm there when he needs me, and I always will be." Dean knew that's not the answer that Sam was looking for, but he couldn't tell him about Cas. There were too many secrets, too much information that he had to keep to himself.

"All I need to know is that you are okay."

"I'm fine Sam. A little fucked in the head, hungry, and seriously tired, but I'm okay."

"I'll ask Jess to grab some food. You need to crash here tonight. I'm guessing that you're going to Bobby's after this, but you can stay here for as long as you need to. I'm just happy to see you. I didn't know if you'd walk through that door or if I'd have to help build your funeral pyre." Sam said softly, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"You're not going to get rid of me that easily. Now call your girl and let's talk about anything other than hunting and yellow eyes. I'm tired of replaying it in my mind."

Dean just watched Sam and Jess, smiling when he knew that he was expected to. He really did feel like a fish out of water. He didn't know how he was going to fit into this world after he saved Cas, if he could save Cas. It had been awhile since he'd slept alone. He spent the entire night tossing and turning on the small couch. He needed to be with Sam, but knowing that Cas was in that small cabin alone was weighing on him. He finally drifted off remembering how Cas's body had felt against his the night before.

\-------------------------

"So you're off to Bobby's?"

"Yeah," Dean looked up at his brother and could see the disappointment. He'd only been there for a couple of days. "I have him looking into some stuff for me, and I owe him a visit. I've been putting him through the same shit I've been putting you through. Maybe more."

"Looking into some stuff? I thought that you were done."

"Sam, let's not do this. I have a few loose ends that I need to tie up, it's not a big deal. I figure that if anybody can help me, it's Bobby. I'll call you, I'll come back, you'll get sick of me eventually." Dean grinned.

"I hope so," Sam smiled back. "Now you need to get your ass on the road before that old man has a coronary. Is he expecting you?"

"Yeah, I called him." Dean's eyes turned soft when he looked at his brother, "I'm just glad to see that you're okay. Take care, Sammy. I'll call you."

"You too." Sam grabbed him in another giant hug before he got in his car and pulled away. He didn't hear Jess come up behind him.

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

"Yeah," Sam said with a sigh. "I'm fine. He just, I don't know. I can't explain it but sometimes when I watch him pull away I wonder if it's the last time."

"He'll be back, Sam. You mean everything to him."

"Yeah, well I might share that title with somebody else. He won't admit it, but I think there's something going on."

"You think that he's seeing somebody?"

"I think that it's deeper than that."

"That's a good thing though, right? For as long as I've known you, he's never had anybody."

"For as long as I've known him he's never had anybody. It would take a certain type of person to put up with him and all of his bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother, but he isn't the easiest person to deal with."

Jess wrapped her arms around Sam, "Well then if he found somebody who can, then you need to be happy for him. Let's go inside."

Sam followed her back into the apartment. He knew that it wasn't fair to make assumptions, it was best to let Dean tell him when he was ready.

\-------------------------

Dean felt the knot in his stomach when he pulled down the gravel drive. Sam hadn't asked as many questions as he'd expected, but Bobby would. Bobby was already coming down the porch steps before he had cut the engine.

"God it's good to see you, boy," Bobby gave Dean his typical bear hug. "I appreciate you calling, but I needed to see that you were in one piece for myself."

"I'm fine, Bobby."

"Dean, never bullshit a hunter. You killed a demon, which is unheard of in this life. Now I don't know what happened, but I know it ain't been easy on ya. We don't need to talk about that now. Ellen has been cooking all day just waitin' for you to show up. Let's get you in the house and fed."

"Did you get a chance to look into anything?"

"I did, and I found some interesting things, but we can talk about that later. Right now why don't you just humor an old man and sit around a table like a family."

"Sure, Bobby. Sounds good." Dean pulled his bag out of the backseat and followed Bobby into the house.

\-------------------------

"So what happened, son?"

"Bobby..."

"Now I know that you don't want to talk about it, but you need to remember two things. I'm not Sam, I know what you were up against. What I don't know is how you pulled it off. The second thing is that you asked me to look into some things that make no sense. I know that you've got your reasons, but I need something to work with here, Dean."

"I don't really know what to say, Bobby. I've spent most of my life looking for something that I wasn't even sure really existed. I'd always pictured this big showdown, but it wasn't like that. I shot him and he turned into smoke, disappeared."

"Wait, you shot him?"

"I had the Colt." Dean said quietly, taking a sip from the glass that Bobby had handed to him.

"The Colt? As in Samuel Colt's gun?"

"That's the one."

"Dean, nobody knows if that gun even exists. It's a legend."

"Yeah, well nobody knew if you could kill a demon either. Two birds, one stone."

"So you are going to sit here and tell me that you not only tracked that thing down, but you killed it with the Colt?"

"That's exactly what I'm telling you."

"Now don't get me wrong, you are a hell of a hunter, but..."

"Bobby, I think we already covered the part where I don't want to talk about it. I found the son of a bitch, I had the Colt, and I did my job. It's over."

"If it's over then why are you asking me for the Sunday School lessons?"

"All of those bibles in all of those motel rooms and I never once picked one up. I finally added it to my reading list but had a hard time getting through the family time line of who begat who. I figured I'd go for the short version, skip to the end."

"It doesn't add up, Dean. You said that you'd hang it up and now you want the entire book of Revelations summarized?"

"I have hung it up."

"So you're here to stay."

Dean looked at the floor, he knew that Bobby would try to back him into a corner. "I'm here for a few days. Listen, I have some loose ends that I need to tie up. This isn't a clean break for me, not as clean as I'd hoped. If you don't want to help me with the information, I get it, I'll somehow find it myself."

"And it'll take you months to do it. I'd do anything for you boys, you know that. But you've been hiding out, you asked me to look up some pretty specific things, and you just told me that you had Samuel Colt's gun? That raises a lot of questions, son."

"And I don't have the answers."

"Again, don't try to bullshit a hunter. You are one stubborn son of a bitch, so I'll quit asking." Bobby poured himself another drink and offered Dean a refill before he pulled out a heavy book and opened it, "from what I was able to find there are hundreds of seals leading to the apocalypse, but only 66 need to be broken. The first one is very specific. 'And it is written, that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in hell..."

"As he breaks, so shall it break..." Dean finished quietly. "What does the last one do?"

Bobby gave Dean a questioning look, "Apparently you have done some bible study. The last seal will release Lucifer."

"So all 66 need to be broken first? If the first seal never breaks, then Lucifer stays tucked away."

"There are hundreds of seals, but they only need 66. Those aren't great odds."

"No, they're not," Dean said quietly. "What about the angel on angel battles?"

"Well, there are stories about wars fought in heaven, but they don't exactly have case files."

"So no stories of fights or punishment?"

"Fights, no. Punishment, they can be cast out. They are considered fallen."

"Meaning?"

"They go to hell."

"So no wandering aimlessly? Just a one way ticket downstairs?"

"They're angels, Dean. Not so different from demons. They have two places they can be, heaven or hell."

"But yellow eyes, he was able to walk the earth."

"That's a basic possession. Instead of a vengeful spirit you have a demon possessing a body. That's the only explanation that I can come up with."

"A vessel..." Dean whispered. 

"You seem to know an awful lot for a guy who's never read up on this shit. What in the hell is going on, Dean? I know that John Winchester never did right by you boys, not even in death. You have been going non stop for a long time, hunting and looking for that thing. I get phone calls every week or so, and that's the only way that I know you're still alive. Two weeks ago Sam called me in the middle of the night almost hysterical because you'd called him to tell him that you killed it, but you didn't sound like yourself. He was scared to death. Now you're hiding out somewhere when you should have come home. I think I'm starting to see where this is coming from. Your so-called loose ends. He may be a hell of a hunter, Dean, but it sounds like he might be pulling you into something that you don't need to be a part of."

"No, Bobby, it's not like that. This isn't about him."

"Bullshit Dean, this is all about him. I didn't trust him the first time I heard his name. I looked into him and you know that I couldn't find a god damn thing. If he's half as good as you say he is, somebody should have known something."

"He saved my life. I don't know how many fucking times he has saved my life. He stopped an Alpha from turning me. That's my biggest nightmare, becoming one of them, and he stopped it from happening. He was there with me that night, he had the gun. I was a fucking mess and he got me the hell out of there. So don't you put this on him."

"He was there with the Colt? And that didn't raise any red flags?"

"He gave me the opportunity to do what I've always needed to do, so I didn't ask questions."

"But he's the reason that you're hiding out."

"No, I'm the reason that I'm hiding out. I already told you, I need time to clear my head and tie up some loose ends." Dean set down his glass and stood up. "I appreciate your help, Bobby. I really do, but I don't have anymore answers." He walked out, letting the door slam behind him.

\-------------------------

Dean started to walk through the maze of scrap metal in the salvage yard. He thought about leaving, but it was late and honestly he was too tired. He'd tried to tell Sam and Bobby that it was all over, but it wasn't. Sam and Jess may never be truly safe. He was warded, but that didn't necessarily mean that he was safe. And Cas, for all he knew Cas could be dead already. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the familiar number, he knew that it was a long shot and ended the call when it went straight to voicemail. He didn't even try to wipe away the tears that were sliding down his cheeks. There way no way to make any of them understand why he owed it to Cas to be by his side, why he'd promised him that he wouldn't turn his back. He waited until all of the lights in the house had gone out before he quietly made his way back in to pack his bag. He set the alarm on his phone and laid down on the couch. Maybe it was wrong to leave before Bobby and Ellen woke up, but he couldn't give Bobby the answers that he was looking for. He was no closer to a solution, but he knew he was too far away from the problem and he needed to get back.

\-------------------------

Bobby had listened for the sound of the Impala's engine starting up. When he was met with silence, he leaned back and relaxed. Dean was just going to walk it off. 

"What in the hell was that?"

Bobby looked up and saw his wife coming down the staircase. "To be perfectly honest, I have no idea. That boy has gotten himself into something deep and he's refusin' to talk about it. I was a fool when I thought that killing that demon would be the happy ending that he needed. It's that Cas, he has some type of hold on Dean."

"Listen to yourself, Bobby Singer. Dean is as stubborn as they come, he isn't about to do anything that he doesn't want to. Don't you think that maybe killing that demon was just as painful as it was satisfying? Looking for that damn thing is all he's ever known. That boy probably doesn't know which way is up, but I can't see anyone being able to have a hold on him. You and Sam may not like it, but he needs time. He's 26 years old, he isn't a kid anymore. Hell, I don't know that he ever was a kid. You know as well as I do that lecturing him and asking him too many questions is just going to push him away. Dean's high strung and he has a short fuse. If you want him to still consider this his home, if you want him to come back, then you need to stop trying to set him off. Let him be. Let him find his way back."

"I just want what's best for him," Bobby said quietly.

Ellen moved to wrap her arms around her husband, "I know that you do, so let him decide what's best."

\-------------------------

Dean felt like an asshole when he set the note down on the table and quietly left the house. He hoped that his car didn't wake Bobby and Ellen up, but once he hit the highway it wouldn't matter. The sun had just started coming up and he knew that he could be back to Cas by nightfall. Actually, he knew that he could be back to the cabin by nightfall, but he didn't know what he'd find, and that scared the shit out of him.

\-------------------------

Everything looked the same when he stopped the car at the end of the dirt road. He didn't know what he'd been expecting to see. He grabbed his bag out of the backseat and slowly walked to the door, careful not to let the old porch steps creak. The knob turned when he twisted it and he slipped inside, quietly setting his bag down. Things inside looked okay. Nothing was out of place, but he didn't see or hear Cas. He leaned against the door, his heart pounding and his mind racing. The floorboards creaked and he jumped, turning to see Cas coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, water still dripping down his chest. Dean leaned forward with his hands on his knees and dropped his head, taking a few deep breaths.

"Dean? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Cas, I'm good. I just got here and I didn't see you. I was, I don't know...."

"I'm fine. It's been quiet, almost too quiet."

"There's no such thing as too quiet right now," Dean said softly, crossing the room to pull Cas into his arms. He pressed his cheek against the wet hair, willing his heartbeat to slow. All it took was Cas's body against his, the scent of his skin, the desperate way he dug his fingers into Dean's back to calm him. That was something else that he could never explain to Sam or Bobby, especially when he didn't even understand it. "I like your outfit," he murmured, sliding his hands down Cas's back, trailing his fingertips along the edge of the towel.

"You seem a little overdressed," Cas smiled, pushing Dean's jacket off of his shoulders, pulling away long enough to slip his t-shirt over his head. They hadn't even kissed when Cas let his towel drop and wrapped his hand in Dean's, leading him to the bedroom. 

\-------------------------

Their lips finally met in a needy kiss, Cas's hands roaming Dean's body, sliding between them to cup him through his pants. It had been a long week, and a long drive, but Dean was already hard. He softly moaned when Cas started to move his mouth across his neck and down his chest, wrapping his lips around a sensitive nipple before pulling it into his mouth and biting gently. Dean watched him slide farther down to rest on his knees, kissing the smooth skin on his stomach, his hands working the button and the zipper, desperate to free his cock. He gasped when Cas finally slid his pants down his thighs before wrapping his fingers around his shaft, slowly stroking the silky skin. He swirled his tongue around the head before taking it into his mouth, gently sucking, Dean's fingers tangled in his hair, encouraging him. "Wait, wait, wait, " Dean whispered, "You are more than welcome to finish that in the morning, but right now I want to feel you." Cas smiled and pulled the rest of Dean's clothes off before crawling on the bed. Dean grinned when Cas picked up the bottle of lube, confused when he didn't hand to to him. Cas straddled Dean, and dripped it on to his own fingers, sliding his hand between them, slipping one inside of himself. "Seriously Cas? I'm not going to last very long if you let me watch the show first," Dean whispered. He watched Cas start to rock against two fingers, his eyes slowly closing when he touched his prostate. "Yours too," Cas groaned, wrapping his hand around Dean's wrist, pulling it between them. Dean was throbbing when he pressed his finger against Cas's, grazing the prostate, moving it in and out. "Oh my god..." he whispered, pulling his finger out to grab Cas's hips, lining him up and helping him slide down his hard cock. Dean was ready to come when he pulled Cas into a deep kiss, holding him in place, he couldn't let him start moving yet. Cas was writhing, desperate to feel Dean. His breath caught when he felt Dean's cock brush against his prostate. He started to slowly move up and down, leaning back, letting Dean watch. He wrapped his hand around himself and started gently stroking. Dean's hands were everywhere, sliding along Cas's thighs, squeezing his ass, digging into his hips. The moan was building in his chest when he started rocking his hips, matching Cas's rhythm, watching his cock slide in and out. Cas was stroking faster, arching his body.. "C'mon baby..." Dean groaned, "I want to see you come." Cas cried out as he came all over their stomachs, still gently squeezing himself, moaning Dean's name. Dean's started rocking faster, thrusting, ready to explode. He came hard with a deep groan, grasping Cas's hips, holding them against him. He finally reached out and put a hand on either side of Cas's face, pulling him in for a long and lingering kiss before wrapping his arms around him, bringing their trembling bodies together. 

\-------------------------

"If that's the welcome back I'm going to get, I think I'm going to leave more often," Dean smiled when he had finally caught his breath.

"I might start asking you to leave," Cas mumbled against his neck, still softly kissing and nipping at the sensitive skin.

Dean wrapped his arms tighter, kissing Cas on the temple. "I know that you just got out of the shower..."

"But we could both use another one?"

"Something like that."

Cas crawled off of the bed and held his hand out, leading Dean into the bathroom and under the hot stream of water. They kissed and touched, holding their soapy bodies together. They had to share a towel before they pulled on boxers and Dean went into the kitchen to pour himself a drink. Cas smiled when he picked the towel up off of the living room floor. He hadn't expected Dean back so soon, and he hadn't expected how good it felt to have him there. He still didn't understand his emotions, he just knew that everything that Dean did made him feel something. Dean patted the cushion next to him, signaling for Cas to sit down. He rested his head on Cas's shoulder with a deep sigh. "Holy shit, it has been a long fucking week."

"How did everything go?"

Dean reached for Cas's hand and pulled it to his lips, "Sam and Jess are fine. It looks like they are safe, but I don't think I'll ever really believe that. He didn't ask a lot of questions, he was just happy that I'm still alive. Bobby was a different story, all he did was ask questions. I feel like a total dick for sneaking out this morning, but I couldn't do it."

"Did you get the information you needed?"

"Some of it. He's going to be pissed when he realizes that I 'borrowed' a couple of his books. I told you that I believe you, and I do, I just needed to hear it from another source. The story checks out. Now we just have to figure out how to keep your heart beating. All Bobby could find as far as punishment goes is being cast out. I'm guessing that's not what they are looking to do?"

"If I had just exercised free will under normal conditions, probably. What I've done is criminal in their eyes, it's beyond criminal. I stopped something that was thousands of years in the making."

"Thousands? But Sam is only 22. I thought this started with the demon blood thing."

"No. The Winchesters have a lineage that can be traced back to Michael. The Campbell's were hunters."

"Wait, my mother was a hunter?"

"She was raised as one, yes. The Campbell's were strong and Azazel took a liking to Mary. After spending thousands of years looking for a vessel for Lucifer, they felt like they had finally found one. Like I told you, the pairing of John Winchester and Mary Campbell wasn't fate, and neither were you and Sam. This was predestined."

"Well, none of that matters now, it's a little mind blowing to find out that my mother was raised a hunter and my old man has a lineage like that, but that's not what's important. I'm not letting them take you, Cas. There has to be a way to ward you."

"It's never been done, Dean."

"Yeah, well a few weeks ago nobody had ever heard of anybody killing a demon either."

\-------------------------

Dean painstakingly read through the books he'd taken from Bobby's, stopping to write furiously on a notepad. Every time he thought he found an answer, the next page brought up more questions. Cas answered his questions, read through the other book that Dean had taken, and was torn between telling Dean to stop looking for an answer and letting Dean have hope.

They studied, they watched movies, they played cards, they made love, and they talked. Dean finally found somebody who knew him, had always known him, but didn't judge him. Cas saw how broken he was, how damaged, that he felt everything too deeply but tried to hide it. Some nights he fell asleep with his arms around Cas, and some nights he needed to be held. 

\-------------------------

"So can you do that whole rib etching thing to yourself?"

"I don't know, I don't think that anybody has tried. I already told you that it won't work."

"Well humor me." He watched Cas slide his hands slowly up his ribs and across his chest. "Well, if it didn't work, it was kind of hot to watch," he grinned. "Can you feel it?"

"Nothing feels different, but you didn't feel it when I did it to you."

"Oh, but I felt something," Dean thought back to that night, he felt bad about being so rough with Cas, but he loved that Cas had been rough right back. Even out of the field, Cas was a force to be reckoned with.

"Yeah, me too," Cas laughed. "In fact, I felt it for days."

"Okay, moving on before all of the blood rushes from my brain. What about your skin? Could you do something there? I mean if you can ward a building..."

"Then I should be able to ward my vessel. It's logical, but I still don't know."

"Right, it's logical. Isn't that how you all work? I mean it's not like you're the most emotional and sensitive things out there." Dean glanced over and saw Cas drop his head, looking at the book that he had in his lap. "Cas?"

"Hhhmmm?" Cas answered without looking up.

"I didn't mean you, you know that right?"

"Yes."

"Cas," Dean set the open book on the coffee table and crawled to where Cas was sitting. "I know that you feel like there is something wrong with you because you aren't like them. I know that this whole 'emotion' thing doesn't make sense to you. Hell, it doesn't make sense to me most of the time and I'm human. There is nothing wrong with you, Cas. Nothing at all."

"Are you still doing all of this because you feel like you owe me?"

"No," Dean said quietly. Cas bent down and kissed him, that's the only thing that he needed to hear.

"So, warding my vessel..."

"That's it? One kiss and right back to work?"

"Yep. You were the one who said we needed to move on before all of the blood rushes from your brain." Cas smiled.

"Ugh, I need to think before I talk." Dean crawled back to where he'd left his book and picked up his notes. "So if it's logical, then it may be possible."

"What are you getting at?"

"Well I know that you have a high pain tolerance," Dean grinned. "Have you ever considered getting inked?"

"A tattoo? Dean, I can't leave this cabin and I can't imagine a tattoo artist who makes house calls to the middle of nowhere to put some weird looking symbols on a guy."

Could we ward my car somehow? Without messing up the paint job. There's got to be a way we could sneak you out of here for a little while."

"I don't know Dean. It's a lot of trouble and it would still be risky."

"You're worth a lot of trouble. Is it possible to get you out of here somewhat safely for a little while? We've been up here for over a month with no sign of them. Maybe they are all on the roof right now ready for a sneak attack, I don't know. I just want to do everything that I can to help you. If that means staying inside of this cabin, then I will do it. It's up to you. I'll do whatever you want me to do, Cas."

Cas took a deep breath, "staying in this cabin forever isn't the solution. I mean, so far it's worked, but eventually I have to leave. If they find me, then they find me."

"Um, not exactly the positive attitude that I was hoping for, but I'll take it. Now back to that pain tolerance thing, I'd really like to feel all of the blood rushing out of my brain. Feel free to bite..." Dean grinned, closing his book.

\-------------------------

"I have bruises and bite marks all over my body and you want to take me to have somebody tattoo my skin?" Cas laughed.

"Yes. The artist will just look at us and think we're a kinky gay couple. There's nothing wrong with that." Dean was trying to keep a straight face. After last night he was seriously considering asking Cas to go full dom on him. "We made it from that cemetery all of the way here and I didn't paint the sigils until the next day. Maybe they hadn't caught up with us yet, but I'm guessing they were watching all along. It's a huge risk, Cas. The last thing I want to do is to put you in danger, but if I can find something that might help then I'll do it." Dean had spent most of the morning carefully putting sigils on his car with electrical tape. It looked strange, but because it was black on black you had to be up close to notice it. He walked to Cas and wrapped his arms around him, "I never said anything, but Sam asked me how deep I'm in this. With you. I know what he meant, and I didn't have an answer for him. I don't know that I have one now. All I know is that I would do anything for you, Cas, and not just because you've saved my life or helped me kill that demon. I just would."

"The night of that Vampire hunt, the first night we slept together, I knew that I was on a slippery slope, but I couldn't stop it."

Dean kissed his temple and pulled him close. "Do you want to try this? I'm not going to do it if you think that it's too dangerous."

"I can't stay in this cabin forever. I mean I can, and it would literally be forever, but I don't want to. So let's go show a tattoo artist what a kinky gay couple looks like." Cas smiled. He was scared, he was terrified, but he didn't want Dean to see it.

"Okay, sounds good."

"And I have a few ideas for the next time that we play kinky gay couple."

"I can hardly wait," Dean winked before they walked outside and got into the car. It was the first time that Cas had left the cabin since they got there. They took a deep breath and looked at each other when Dean started the engine. 

\-------------------------

"So the best place to put this would be on your back. It's really hard to work around bruises." The tattoo artists said, looking from Cas to Dean and back at Cas.

"That's fine, I really don't care where it is." Cas was nervous, he was afraid of being outside and exposed.

"So this is the design. It's like a family crest type of thing," Dean handed the paper to the tattoo artist, "they immigrated from some tiny village somewhere in eastern Europe. I have no idea what it means, I don't think he does either, but it's what he wants and who am I to say no." Dean whispered. He was trying to keep the mood light, he didn't want to think about what they were actually doing and why.

\--------------------------

"How did it feel?"

"Like needles pushing ink into my skin."

"Well that's descriptive. Let's head back up the mountain."

Cas reached for Dean's hand, intertwined their fingers, and held it on the seat between them, gripping so tightly that his knuckles were turning white and Dean's hand was going numb. They were both afraid when he turned up the dirt road and they knew that they still had miles to go. Neither one took a real breath until they finally stopped in front of the cabin and rushed back inside. "Okay, that was intense," Dean panted, locking the door behind him for good measure.

\-------------------------

Dean was holding the list in his hand of things he needed to get at the store while he waited for Sam to pick up the phone. "Hey Jess...Yeah, I'm good...Is that pain in the ass brother of mine around?...Thanks...You too...Hey Sammy, how's it going?....Good, good...No I'm not back at Bobby's. How about instead of you asking me every time I call I'll just tell you when I am...I know what I'm doing, Sam...Okay, but it took over 20 years for me to find that thing. You didn't think that maybe I'd be a little fucked up?...None of us thought that I would find it but I did...I don't want to have this same conversation every time I call...I know. I worry too...Maybe I'll come out and visit next week...No, I doubt I'll go to Bobby's...Sam, there's nothing to fix. We just don't see eye to eye on some things and I don't want to deal with that shit right now. I still talk to him...Okay, I'll call you and let you know...You too...Bye.

He hated that he was dreading the next call. Bobby hadn't asked him about the books, or Cas, but there was still a rift between them. The only way he could defend Cas was to tell Bobby the truth, and the truth wasn't an option. "Hey Bobby...Yeah, I'm good. How about you?...Ellen?...Isn't Jo home from school?...Well, don't tell Ellen I said this, but she's always been a pain in the ass...Yeah, okay. I'll try to make it sometime soon to see everyone...You too...Bye Bobby."

He held the phone to his lips and sighed. He didn't know what to do anymore. He was losing hope. No matter what he did, this life had been taking from him since he was four years old. It took his parents, it forced him to distance himself from Sam, and now he felt like he was stuck between a family that was waiting for him and the person who needed him the most. He couldn't bounce between the cabin, Sam, and Bobby's for the rest of his life, but he couldn't let any of them go either. Bobby knew it, even Sam knew it, even though he didn't say anything. He had quit talking to Cas about his family. He opened the door and got out of the car to grab the things on the list. The cashier nodded and smiled, he'd been around long enough that they were getting used to seeing him. He'd never stayed anywhere long enough to let anybody get used to him. 

\-------------------------

"How are Sam and Bobby?"

"I really don't want to talk about it, Cas."

Cas took a deep breath, "I know that I've been telling you this for months, but maybe you should go home. You don't need to be here."

"What?" Dean turned slowly and looked at Cas. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You're not happy here, Dean. You're not even really living. You sit in this glorified shed with me day after day, except for the days that you're lucky because we ran out of something and you need to go into town. You don't belong here."

"Is this you talking? Or is this you feeling guilty?"

"I don't know. Both I guess."

"You really want me to leave, Cas? That's what you want?" Dean was walking towards Cas, his eyes blazing. "The only thing keeping me here is that I can't imagine a world without you in it. I'll sit in this god damn glorified shed day after day for the rest of my life if that's what it fucking takes. If you're feeling guilty, then stop. I'm a selfish bastard and we both know that. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be and I have a hard time believing that you actually want me to go."

"I have nothing to offer you, Dean. I have no doubt in my mind that one of these days they will find us. They probably already know where we are and it's a waiting game. So you're just going to stay up here until they find me and gut me in front of you? Because that's what they'll do. They won't kill you, they'll want you to suffer."

"You have no idea what you have to offer, Cas. When I'm here, with you, I don't want to be anywhere else. When I am somewhere, I just want to be back here with you. It's fucked up, this whole situation is fucked up but we have no control over that. I will not turn my back on you. Damnit Cas, don't do this. Don't force me into a conversation where I have to choose. Please. Just let me be here with you."

"Dean, you don't see what I see."

"No, I don't Cas. But that goes both ways."

"I'm a ticking time bomb, Dean."

"In a lot of ways, so am I. Knock of the sacrificial shit and let me make my own decisions. I need you, Cas." Dean's voice caught, "I've never needed anybody, not like this, and I don't know what in the hell to do with that." Dean realized that he still had the bags of groceries in his hands. He dropped them on the counter and walked to the bedroom. He felt like he was going to break.

\-------------------------

Cas just stared at the bags on the counter. The last thing he wanted was for Dean to leave, but he was ready to give himself up. He couldn't expect Dean to keep living this way, but even if he tried to tell him that he didn't want him there, Dean would see the lie. He finally got up and went into the bedroom. Dean was laying on the bed with his arm thrown across his eyes. He sat down on the edge, not knowing what to say. He bent down a gently pressed their lips together, he needed to try and bring them closer together. He felt Dean hesitate before he wrapped his hand around the back of Cas's neck and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Dean had said that he needed Cas, but he'd never felt a need like this before. He sat up and pulled Cas's shirt over his head before taking off his own. Their frenzied hands worked together to undo buttons and slide down zippers until their clothes were in piles on the floor. Dean rolled on his back, pulling Cas on top of him. "I have never needed anybody the way I need you," he whispered, leaning up for a hungry kiss, running his hands down Cas's body. He reached for the bottle on the nightstand, but held Cas in place before he could move. "I see the look on your face when I am inside of you, the pain, the pleasure, the trust. I want to feel that, Cas. I need to." Cas searched his eyes and nodded before he helped slide the pillows under his hips. He dripped lube on his fingers and leaned down, catching Dean in a heated kiss, sliding a slick finger against him before slowly pressing it inside. Dean groaned, Cas could see the pain on his face but he knew that Dean didn't want him to stop. He slid in a second finger, moving them both in and out, feeling Dean grow tense beneath him. He skimmed Dean's prostate and felt the gasp of pure pleasure as Dean started rocking against him, expecting the pain with a third finger. Cas was stretching him, running his fingertips along his prostate, Dean felt like he could come without being touched. He'd never felt anything like it before. He kissed Cas desperately, rocking against him, wanting to feel him. He couldn't breathe through the white hot pain when Cas pulled his fingers out and slid his cock in. "I know...but we won't move until you're ready," Cas whispered, holding him in a deep kiss. He trailed his mouth along Dean's jaw and down his neck, gently sucking and kissing, waiting to feel Dean's muscles relax. He reached between them and ran his fingers down the silky skin of Dean's shaft, sliding his palm across the head while he shifted his hips, knowing how to find the right spot. Dean groaned and started gently rocking. Cas could see the pain and pleasure moving over him in waves. He slid slowly in and out, stroking Dean with every movement. He'd never felt it from this side, he had no idea that it could be this way. Dean's hands were everywhere, across his shoulders, down his back, squeezing his ass to pull him closer. Dean was meeting him thrust for thrust, "Oh my god, baby..." he called out, coming in Cas's hand, almost delirious as he thrust his hips up, desperately needing to feel Cas come inside of him. Cas slid with one last hard thrust and exploded, it was like nothing they'd ever felt. He collapsed, burying his face against Dean's neck, engulfed in emotions that he didn't understand. He could feel the tears in his eyes as he ran his lips along Dean's neck and propped himself up on his elbows to look into those beautiful green eyes. Dean was still panting and trembling, his eyes were glossy.

"Did I hurt you?"

"Yeah," Dean whispered, "but it's what I wanted. Is that how I make you feel when I..."

"Yes. There's no way to describe it."

"No, there isn't." Dean lifted his head for a long, lingering kiss, running his hands down Cas's back, leaving a trail of goosebumps. "Cas, I don't want to be anywhere but here. I need you to believe that. What we have, how I have felt since the first time, it doesn't make sense to me. But trying to picture my life without it makes it hard to breathe. Don't ever ask me to leave, because I won't, I can't. I'm here until the end, even if that end is me dropping dead from a heart attack 50 years from now. You are everything." He could see the tears starting to slowly roll down Cas's face. "We're in this together, we always have been." Cas bent for a tender kiss and let Dean wrap his arms around him, pulling him close. "I don't want you to leave, Dean. I never have. I just want you to be happy." Dean held Cas against his body, "I am happy, baby."

They made it as far as the shower, but left the groceries forgotten on the counter when they crawled back into bed. They spent hours touching and kissing, Moving around on the bed with sultry sighs and gentle whispers. Exhausted and completely satiated, Dean finally pulled Cas against him and started to softly snore. Cas visibly shivered when he felt the warm breath on the back of his neck and reached up to wrap his hands around Dean's arms.

\-------------------------

"Well that was a wasted trip to the store. Worth it, but wasted." Dean said when he noticed that they'd left the groceries on the counter all night. "Let me throw some clothes on and I'll go back."

"Dean, you don't need to. Go tomorrow."

"I'll make it quick. No phone calls this time."

Cas relented and followed Dean into the bedroom to get dressed.

They tried to salvage what they could, and put the ruined food in another bag for Dean to take outside. "I guess on the brightside, we'll be feeding the raccoons for a few days."

"Always looking for the brightside," Dean grinned, taking the bag from Cas's hand and giving him a kiss before he walked out. Cas sat down and opened one of Bobby's books. He heard Dean pointlessly put the lid on the garbage can, and then silence. He waited for another minute, but he didn't hear the engine start. He was frozen, he couldn't move. Five more minutes went by and it was still silent. He finally stood and crossed the room. He looked out of the window and saw that Dean's car was still there. In a panic he rushed to the kitchen and looked out the small window where he saw his worst nightmare. They had finally shown up and they had Dean. It was time to give himself up. He was shaking uncontrollably when he threw on a jacket and grabbed his angel blade, pulling it up into the sleeve. He could see that there were at least five of them, he didn't have a chance, it was time to be held accountable for what he had done. He took a deep breath before he turned the doorknob and stepped outside.

\-------------------------

"Just a matter of minutes before you came to save the human bait. We once had high hopes for Dean Winchester, but you already knew that." 

"Let him go, Uriel. He isn't a part of this anymore." Dean was thrown to the ground and Cas stepped in front of him, putting his body between Dean and the angels. 

"Oh, but he should have been, Castiel. We knew that you were questioning your faith the first time you became intimate with him, but we just waited. It wouldn't have been the first time that a human had seduced an angel. But then we watched you instigate your encounters."

"Fucking perverts," Dean spat, standing up. The angels had already worked him over before Cas came outside. 

"Dean..." Cas whispered.

"Oh, but he is charming. Many times I have wondered how he came to be a chosen one."

"You chose me," Dean yelled, "You let that son of a bitch kill my mother and my father all for some fucked up prophecy which never would have happened."

"Oh, it wouldn't have?"

"My brother and I? You could never get us to star in your sick little show."

"You underestimate us, Dean."

"Enough!" Cas yelled. "This no longer has anything to do with the Winchesters. This is about me and the choices that I have made."

"You are right, Castiel. Exercising free will is punishable, defying orders is punishable, but what you did goes beyond insubordination. A plan, a prophecy thousands of years in the making and you destroyed it. For what? Nights spent in Dean Winchester's bed? He is a beautiful specimen, I will give you that, but has he been worth it?"

"Yes," Cas said quietly.

"So you put humanity, I take that back, you put one man above the greater good?"

"I stopped believing in the greater good. I stopped believing in your cause. This has less to do with him than you think. He's done nothing wrong. He did not seduce me, he has never asked me for anything. It was my plan to kill Azazel, I simply handed him the gun."

"A very sweet and moving gesture that unfortunately led to your downfall. You were a highly respected warrior, Castiel. Can you imagine the embarrassment we felt when you betrayed us by not only finding that gun but by handing it to Dean Winchester?"

"Azazel needed to die."

"As did Jessica Moore and Sam Winchester."

Cas could feel Dean shaking behind him. He leaned back slightly, wanting Dean to feel him, hoping to calm him. He wouldn't survive, but he wanted Dean to make it out of this alive. "Jessica Moore is innocent and Sam Winchester is unaware."

"Sometimes the innocent must die, and Sam Winchester would have been made aware, very aware." Uriel said, starting to walk in a circle around Cas.

"I am right here, Uriel. I am not trying to run and obviously I can no longer hide."

"No, you cannot. However, the rib etchings and marks on your skin were interesting ideas. The sigils on the building worked well enough, but you had to have known that you couldn't hide from us indefinitely."

"I knew."

"But you let this play out anyway. Was that for his benefit? If so, you made a mistake. I sense that Dean Winchester has love towards you. I will not even have to touch him to make him suffer. Making him watch what we do to you will be punishment enough."

"He doesn't need to see it."

"Wait, is our Castiel in love? You have fallen farther than I thought. I always had faith in you, and now I know that was my mistake. I did not realize that you are broken."

"So end it, Uriel. I am not going to try and fight." Cas imperceptibly moved his arm behind him and slid his angel blade out, pressing it against Dean's hands. Dean was confused, but took it from him.

"I am still trying to decide what to do with you. You have given me months to ponder. You will most definitely be imprisoned and disciplined. But somehow I feel like we need to leave an impression on your lover." Uriel stopped walking and locked eyes with Cas. "That is a human vessel, you will bleed and you will suffer. Then I will put you back together and take you home."

Cas's heart was pounding, he could feel Dean shaking almost uncontrollably. He turned quickly and they locked eyes. "Remember the Alpha?"

"Of course," Dean whispered.

"If you had swallowed his blood, you would have asked me to kill you."

"Cas..." Dean cried.

"Castiel!"

"It's inevitable, Dean. I can't walk away from this. I would rather die by the hand of somebody who loves me than be taken from you by my family who I no longer trust or believe in."

"I can't, Cas. Please...I can't..." Dean sobbed.

"Do you love me?"

"Castiel! It is time. You are done here."

Cas wrapped his fingers around Dean's wrist and pulled it to his throat, "Dean, do you love me?"

"You know that I do..."

"Then do this for me because it's what I want." Cas pressed his hand to the back of Dean's head, pulling him into a deep kiss, letting the angel blade press against his throat. "I love you," he whispered before he pulled Dean's wrist, running the blade against his neck. 

Dean dropped the blade, falling to the ground, pulling Cas's body to his lap. He pressed his hand against Cas's neck, watching the blue light slide between his fingers and disappear. He could feel the warm blood and pressed even tighter, holding his forehead against Cas's, sobbing.

"Smart move, Castiel. That was his grace. I could put him back together but frankly he isn't worth the time. That limp thing that you hold in your lap is no longer an angel. He is a human, and he will be dead soon."

Dean was still sobbing, trying to figure out how to stop the bleeding when he heard it.

"Dean!"

"Oh look, the crown prince has arrived. You are a bit too late and far to ignorant to help your brother now. I suppose all we can do at this point is find his grace and store it. Castiel no longer exists. Things could have been a lot different, Dean."

"I'll do it, whatever it is. Michael's vessel, I'll do it." Dean cried.

"You know that you are only one half of the prophecy, but Castiel changed destiny. The other half will never come to pass. Such a shame, I was looking forward to seeing you both."

"Are you done here?"

"Yes, I suppose we should leave you to your mourning. Goodbye Dean, goodbye Sam. It is too bad that things had to end this way."

Dean felt Sam kneeling next to him as he watched the angels disappear. "What in the hell happened?"

"We need to get him inside. If there's even the smallest chance that I can save him, I need to try." Sam helped Dean stand up and watched him carry Cas back to the cabin. Dean's clothes were soaked in blood. If Cas was still alive, he was barely holding on. Sam followed him.

\-------------------------

They got inside and Sam swept everything off of the counter. "You need to stitch him up. Lay him here. Is the first aid kit still in the glove box?" Dean just nodded, laying Cas on the counter, holding a dish towel against his neck. He couldn't bring himself to look at him while he waited for Sam. "Okay, can you do it? Or do you need me to?" Dean finally looked down at Cas's ashen face. He looked so peaceful, so beautiful. "I owe it to him to try." Sam threaded the curved needle with dental floss and handed it to Dean. He splashed scotch over the wound to clean it out and held Cas down, wiping the blood away so that Dean could work. "Don't look at his face, Dean. I've seen you do this dozens of times. Hell, you've stitched me up. This is just a regular stitch job. It's nothing more than a simple cut on dad or me. But, you have to be quick."

Dean could barely see through the tears as he used the needle to make tight and neat stitches. The cut was deep and ran across the side of Cas's neck. He lost count at 20 stitches. By the time he was done he knew there had to be at least 40. He leaned against the counter behind him, dizzy and nauseated. He couldn't breathe and his chest hurt. He could see Sam moving around, soaking the wound with more scotch before drying it off and bandaging it. He lifted Cas's body and turned to look at Dean. "Through the living room, the door on the right." Dean whispered. If Cas was going to die, he should die in the bed that they shared. Sam got him onto the bed and covered him with a blanket. He pressed his fingers to the other side of his neck. There was a pulse, but it was faint, almost nonexistent. For the moment, Cas was still alive. He walked out and saw Dean, in a daze, his face white. Sam helped him to a chair and sat across from him.

"He has a pulse Dean. It's very weak and I don't know what that means. He may have a few hours, a few days, I don't know. But he lost a lot of blood."

Dean looked down at his clothes. He was covered in blood, Cas's blood. He dropped his head into his hands and sobbed. He had killed Cas. That's what Cas wanted, but it didn't make it any easier. 

\-------------------------

Dean didn't want to leave Cas's side, and Sam didn't want to leave Dean's. Dean crawled under the covers and pulled Cas's body against him, trying to somehow share his body heat, somehow give him life. Sam pulled a soft chair in from the living room to the bottom of the bed and sat down. He could see clothes scattered everywhere, a supposedly nondescript but telltale bottle on the nightstand. It was what he thought. They were lovers and probably had been for quite some time.

"How much did you see?"

"Enough. Probably too much. None of it makes sense to me. I don't know who in the hell those guys were, what they wanted, how they seemed to know who I am, the blue light, and their disappearing act. But, I'm not going to ask."

"Wait, why are you here? How did you find me?"

"I noticed that you have a new phone the last time you stopped by. I checked and it has a gps tracker on it. I turned it on. I don't know why, I guess I just wanted to know that I could find you if I needed to. It got me as far as a few miles down the highway and I just kind of winged it from there."

"But why?"

"I knew that something was wrong. You're barely talking to Bobby, you've asked him for some pretty strange things. You took some of his books. I know that you've been with Cas this entire time and none of it added up. I've been driving myself nuts and Jess finally told me to come find you. If I'd only gotten here earlier. The three of us could have taken care of it."

"No, Sam, we couldn't have. They're untouchable and they've been after Cas since the night that I killed the demon. I lost it that night and Cas brought me here. I learned a lot of things that I didn't need to know and you can see how it ended." Dean started to softly cry, kissing the top of Cas's head, trying to convince himself that Cas's skin wasn't turning cold against him.

"You really do love him, don't you."

"More than anything."

"How long?"

"Since the night the Alpha tried to turn me. I told him that night that if I swallowed any blood that I wanted him to kill me, I didn't want him to let me turn. That's what he begged me to do. He wanted me to kill him before they could torture him in front of me." Dean broke down, "I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. I told you that I would keep your heart beating...I promised..."

Sam was surprised, not just by Dean's reaction but by the fact that it had been going on for so long. Now their conversation at the coffee shop that day made sense, the day that Dean told him he no longer had a partner because he'd crossed a line.

"Dean, he might make it. You never know."

"Most of his blood has soaked through my clothes, I'm covered in it. Look at him, he's barely breathing. I'm not going to lie to myself, Sam. All I can do is be with him until he's gone and then build his pyre out back."

"I'm here, I'm going to stay with you."

"Sam, you have school. You have a life. You don't need to sit here and watch Cas die."

"I need to sit here and be there for my brother who needs me now more than ever. I'm going to head back down to the highway and call Jess." Sam had blood on his shirt too, he couldn't exactly go somewhere too public. "I'll be right back. Do you want me to call Bobby?"

"And tell him what? That I just killed the man, yes man, that I love? This is a story that I need to tell, if I can ever bring myself to do it. I failed him, Sam. I made him a promise and I failed him." Dean kicked his boots off, dragged the blanket further up over them, and pulled Cas against him, burying his face in his neck. At that moment he wanted to die with Cas. He couldn't imagine a life without him. He couldn't stop the tears, he couldn't stop shaking, he couldn't get Cas's body close enough. He didn't even hear Sam leave.

\-------------------------

Sam had pulled into a rest stop, hoping that nobody pulled up next to him. He wasn't sure what he should and shouldn't tell Jess. "Hey sweetie...Yeah, I found him...Not good, not good at all...Well, you were right about him finding someone...Yeah...His friend, Cas...It sounds like it's been going on for a couple of years...I don't know what happened, I showed up too late. They were attacked and somebody slit Cas's throat...He's been stitched up, but he lost a lot of blood...No, I don't think that he will make it. I left Dean with him. He's already talking about a private burial...I don't know if I'm okay. I've never seen Dean like this and I don't know what to do...I'll be here for a few days. At least until it's all over. God I hate even saying that...I'll call you tomorrow...I love you too."

Sam knew that he shouldn't, but he dialed Bobby's number, "Hey Bobby, I just wanted to let you know that I found Dean...We've both known that something wasn't right for a long time so I turned on the gps tracker on his phone. Jess finally talked me into using it...No, everything is not okay...No, you don't need to come...I showed up and there had been a fight. Somebody slit Cas's throat. Dean stitched him up but he lost a lot of blood. I don't think that he's going to make it...He's hysterical. He can barely talk. He won't leave Cas's side...They're lovers, Bobby. They have been for awhile...Yeah I know that a lot of things make sense now but you can't ever tell him that I called you. He needs to deal with this on his own...No, I'm not leaving. I need to be here to help him pick up the pieces...I'll call you when I know more. He's going to need us when this is all over...Okay, give her my love...You too."

Sam started the engine and headed back towards the small cabin in the middle of nowhere, hoping that Cas was still alive. He was in law school, but right now he'd give anything to be in medical school.

\-------------------------

Dean had cried himself to sleep by the time Sam got back. Sam gently reached and pressed his fingers against Cas's neck. There was still a pulse, but it was still faint. He left the bedroom to pour himself a drink. 

Sam looked up when he heard the floorboards creak. He saw Dean standing in the doorway, the blood had dried on his skin and was beginning to flake off, his clothes were a dark sticky mess. "Hey, do you want a drink?" he asked softly. 

Dean just nodded and sank into a chair, "I want to be with him, I need to be with him. But for the first time, I pull him in my arms and I can't feel his heart, I can't hear his breath. He isn't warm against me. I don't know what's in there, if he's having thoughts and what they might be. He isn't going to go towards the light, Sam. They won't be there waiting for him. He's going downstairs, which is where I should have gone."

Dean wasn't making any sense, but Sam knew that he just needed to talk.

"This whole thing was damned from the beginning. He sacrificed himself that night when he handed me that gun. Hell, he sacrificed himself the night that the Alpha tried to turn me, but he stayed by my side. He loved me and he stayed by my side. I tried, god I tried so hard. I promised him that I would keep his heart beating just like he did mine. I told him that I wouldn't let this happen. I'm a hunter, I should have found a way. I should have been able to stop this instead of looking into his eyes while that blade slid across his throat, before I killed him."

"Dean, I saw it happen. He pulled your arm. You didn't kill him, he did that."

"I killed him the first time I touched him. He knew it and he let it happen anyway. It kept happening, and each time...each time I laid in that bed with him, he knew that he was one step closer to death. Maybe he did pull my arm, but I took his life from him a long time ago." He tilted the glass that Sam had handed him to his lips and emptied it in one large swallow before he dropped his head in his hands. "I love him, Sam. I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I can't see my life without him. I have no life without him. How do I get up and put one foot in front of the other?" He sniffled and looked up at the ceiling. "You know, now I understand dad. I would give anything to hunt those bastards down and make them suffer. He didn't deserve it. He was beautiful, he was perfect. He knew who and what I really am and he didn't care. He trusted me and I failed him. He expected this, he was ready, but I wasn't, I'm not. God, he looked at me in a way that made me believe in myself. He looked at me and I could see what he saw. I didn't even tell him that I love him until right before he died."

"Dean, he still has a pulse..."

"He's dead, Sam. Everything that kept that human body alive has soaked into my clothes and is covering my skin. He went against the big picture and gave himself up for my greater good. I don't deserve that, I didn't earn it. I can't do this, Sam," he sobbed. "I can't...I'll never forget how he felt and how he looked in that moment. The way he tried to tell me goodbye, every time I close my eyes that's what I'm going to see." After a long silence, Dean finally stood up. "I need to be in there. Will you start gathering wood for me?"

"Gathering wood?"

"He was a hunter Sam, he deserves a proper burial."

"Dean, we don't know..."

"I know. I can't feel him anymore. He's gone. I know that I need to change my clothes and shower, that it's probably sick to just lay there with him, but I can't leave until it's time. If you can't build it yourself, let me know and I'll come help. But right now..." Dean just looked at Sam before he turned and walked away. Sam had never seen Dean this human, this raw. He waited until he heard the bedroom door softly close before he let himself break down.

\-------------------------

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. If you're in there I need you to know that I love you and I should have said it a long time ago. Cas...I can't...I don't know how to do this. I would give anything to trade places with you. If I thought for one minute that we could be together in death, I would do it, but I know that we can't. Last night...last night was it. That was it for us. Cas, please, I am begging you. I should be telling you that It's okay to let go, but I can't. It's not okay. It's not okay to let go. Please, stay with me," Dean cried. "Please. I don't know how to live without you."

\-------------------------

Dean knew, he felt it. He didn't need to press his fingers against Cas's neck to know that he was gone. He kissed him gently on the forehead and crawled out of the bed, barely able to stand. He made it out into the living room and could see Sam sitting in a chair. He just looked at his brother and nodded, he couldn't even cry. Sam nodded back to let him know that his part was done, he'd built the pyre. "Do you mind getting him ready?"

"No Dean, whatever you need."

"Don't use the sheets from the bed. Use that blanket on the back of the couch. Can you do it before I get out of the shower. I know that I need to wash this blood..." he whispered weakly. Sam had already cleaned up and changed his clothes. He didn't think that Dean needed to see Cas's blood on him too. Sam just nodded and watched Dean slowly walk away.

\-------------------------

Dean pulled clean clothes out of his bag and stripped down. He folded the t-shirt, jeans, and jacket that he'd been wearing and set them aside. He knew that he'd never be able to bring himself to wash them. He looked down at his hands. Less than 48 hours ago those same hands had felt Cas's warm body, touched him with a love and a passion that he'd never known. He walked to the edge of the bed and looked at the grey mottled skin. Cas died so that Jess, Sam, and he wouldn't. Cas gave up everything for him. He bent down to place one last kiss on those soft perfect lips. "I love you, Cas. I will always love you." He finally pulled himself away and turned towards the bathroom knowing that would be the last time he would ever see that face. 

He couldn't even stand in the shower. He sat on the tile floor with his knees pulled to this chest and sobbed, much like the first night they made love. The water had started to run clear long ago, but he didn't watch it. He couldn't. He didn't know how long he'd been in there, he didn't know how long ago the water had turned cold, but he knew that he couldn't stay there forever. He couldn't put off the inevitable. He reached up to turn it off, and that's when he heard Sam.

"Dean! Dean! Get you're ass in here! Dean!"

Sam's voice was nothing more than an echo reverberating through his head. He wrapped a towel around his waist and stood in the doorway, confused. He could see that the bed was empty, the sheets had been stripped and were lying neatly folded on the dresser. He turned, and through a fog he could make out the shape of Sam's body kneeling next to the couch. 

"I don't know what in the fuck happened Dean, I can't explain it."

Dean had to force himself to move, the pain was still heavy in his chest. He reached Sam's side and looked at the ceiling, closing his eyes. He was trembling when he finally lowered his head and looked. Cas was laying on the couch, the blanket half wrapped around him. His chest was slowly rising and falling, the gray of his skin fading to a pale pink. Dean's heart stopped, he couldn't feel his legs when they buckled and Sam caught him, helping him to the floor. He was afraid to reach out, he couldn't bring himself to touch the cold skin again. His eyes darted, taking in Cas's beautiful face, the fresh blood slowly seeping through the bandage on his neck. It wasn't real, it couldn't be real. Cas had been in his arms, he had been holding him, he knew. He turned to Sam, his eyes full of confusion and pain. "This isn't real, Sam. It isn't, it can't be."

"Dean, I picked him up and brought him out here. I don't know why, but I held on to his hand. I started to talk to him. I just wanted to say goodbye, I wanted him to know how much he meant to you," Sam cried. "I was telling him how sorry I was that we never really got the chance to know one another, and then everything felt...different. I don't know. I felt him. I touched his neck. He has a pulse, Dean. Maybe you were wrong." Dean watched Sam wipe the back of his hand across his nose, smearing the blood before it reached his lips. He was pale and shaking, seemingly unaware until he looked at his hand and reached up to touch his face. 

"I wasn't wrong, Sam. I know Cas, I felt him go."

"He isn't gone. Look at him, touch him."

"Sam...I...." he stared at Cas's perfect face, watching it slowly come to life. He reached out and gently trailed his fingertips down Cas's cheek, Cas's warm cheek. Something broke inside of him when he laid his head on Cas's chest and heard the faint beating. He carefully pulled the thin t-shirt off and once again rested his head above Cas's beating heart. His tears were pooling on Cas's chest, his body shivering when Sam wrapped a blanket around him. He intertwined his fingers with Cas's and pulled his hand to his lips. "Stay with me, please..." he whispered. "I need you."

\-------------------------

Dean had gotten dressed and Sam had cleaned up his bloody nose. They both sat, Sam in a chair and Dean on the floor, watching Cas. His pulse was stronger, his heart was beating at a regular pace, and his body was warm. Dean got up on his knees when Cas's eyelids fluttered. Nothing would mean more to him than to see those beautiful blue eyes. They fluttered again, and slowly opened. "Hey," Dean said gently. "Welcome back." He placed his hand against Cas's cheek and bent down to kiss him softly.

"Hey yourself," Cas whispered. Dean was emotionally exhausted when he buried his face in Cas's neck and sobbed. He felt Cas's hand on the back of his head and his other arm slide around him to hold him weakly. "I love you. I love you so much" Dean murmured in Cas's ear. He vaguely heard Sam say something about going into town, and hardly noticed when the door opened and closed. He finally pulled away and looked at Cas. "How much do you remember?"

"Everything. They won't bother me now. They think that I'm dead, and the warding will work."

"I thought you were dead..."

"I was, Dean." Cas whispered so quietly that Dean barely heard him.

"But...how..."

"He'll never know, but he brought me back."

"Sam?"

"Just because it's demon blood doesn't make him evil. He still has no idea and we need to keep it that way."

Dean cupped Cas's face, careful not to touch his bandage and bent down for a long, lingering kiss.

\-------------------------

Meanwhile, in town: 

"He's going to make it...I know, I'm a big cry baby, but you haven't seen Dean with him. It's, I don't know, I can't even describe it...We thought he was gone...Yeah, we were preparing for a burial...I can't explain it...Yes, Jess, these are happy tears...He's going to be okay...I won't be gone too much longer. I don't know that they'll want me around too much longer. I just need to stay long enough to know that Dean is okay...I love you too...Bye."

"Hey Bobby...Yeah, I'm okay...I'm still up here, but again, he can't ever know that I called you...It's just better if he didn't. Cas is going to pull through...Yeah, he just woke up. Dean is a totally different person...No, in a good way...I do think he's done. I think that they both are...He'll call and tell you when he's ready, but don't be too hard on him...I know that you do...Tell her that I love her too and I'll call again soon...Okay...Bye."

Sam sighed and leaned back against the seat. He didn't think that he'd even been on an emotion roller coaster that came close to the last 48 hours. He'd seen a side of Dean that he never knew existed, Dean probably hadn't known that it existed. He'd also seen, and felt, a lot of things that he didn't understand, but he didn't want to. He knew that there were questions that didn't need to be asked. He got out of the car and went into the store. Cas and Dean needed some time, and none of them had eaten in days. 

\-------------------------

Cas was almost too weak to move, but Dean couldn't handle the blood that still covered his body. He needed to get him in the shower, he needed to help him change. Dean held Cas against him under the warm water, softly kissing him, feeling almost dizzy when Cas kissed him back. He shut off the water before turned cold and pressed their foreheads together. "I've loved you since the first time I touched you, Cas. I know that now. Whatever you need from me, you tell me." Cas lifted his head and gently placed his lips on Dean's, "Just you. That's all I need," he whispered weakly. Dean felt fresh tears as he pulled Cas closer, "you have me baby. You have me for as long as you are willing to put up with me." 

He got them dried off and dressed in clean pajama pants and t-shirts. He knew that later he would take all of the bloody clothes and sheets outside and burn them. They didn't need a reminder. He turned on a movie and pulled Cas against him on the couch, pressing his hand on Cas's chest, feeling his heart beat against his palm. The sound of his breath, the smell of his skin, the way their bodies curved perfectly against one another took him to a place that he never knew existed. He didn't feel Cas smile and shiver when he started to softly snore against the back of his neck.

They had both drifted off by the time Sam got back, so he moved quietly into the kitchen and started putting things away. He couldn't help but stop and look at the two of them on the couch. When he heard the sound of Jess's voice earlier he tried to imagine what his life we be without her, and he couldn't. If he lost Jess, he'd lose everything. He knew that when he got home he was going to hold her more tightly and tell her that he loved her more often. 

\-------------------------

It took a few days, but Cas finally regained enough strength to get up and move around. He tired easily, but for the most part he was able to take care of himself. Sam had followed Dean outside where he was dismantling the pyre. "I'm guessing that feels pretty good."

"Better than you can possibly imagine. The only thing that I'm burning out here are those clothes and sheets. I need to have it all gone, just a memory."

"A scary one, a close call."

"You have no idea how close."

Sam helped him take apart the intricate pattern of logs and throw them randomly into the woods. Dean didn't even want them piled neatly, he didn't want to see them at all. He poured lighter fluid on the clothes and dropped a match. "I want to thank you, Sam," he said quietly.

"For what?"

"Showing up, helping me, forgiving Cas...for a lot of things."

"There was nothing to forgive. I was a kid, and his name represented something that I hated. Now he's the guy who makes my brother happy."

"He's my everything, Sam. He's my world. The shit we've been through..."

"Yeah, I can't even imagine. So are you hanging it up?"

"I did what I've always needed to do, and Cas, I know that he's done. I've already let too many people down, Sam. I've already made too many people sit back and wonder if I'm alive. I can't do it anymore, not to you, not to him. Maybe I'll look for something in town. I'm a hell of a mechanic, I've got that working for me."

"So you're not going back to Bobby's?"

"To visit, yeah. I feel like this is our home. Cas found it abandoned, I'm guessing that the bank owns it and might be more than happy to talk about me taking if off of their hands. I don't know how I'll pull it off, but I will. I can't imagine being anywhere else with anybody else." Dean turned his head and looked at his little brother, "I know that you saw some crazy shit. You probably have questions."

"I have a million questions," Sam chuckled. "But I don't want to know the answers to any of them. You killed the demon, you're alive, and you're in love. I'm leaving you in good hands, I can see that. But, you did lie to me."

"About what?"

"You told me that guys like you don't get happy endings," Sam smiled.

"I couldn't have done it without you, man," Dean said quietly. If only Sam knew what he'd done, the second chance that he had given them.

"Sure you could have, but thanks. Hey, let me know if you need any legal advice when it comes to getting your hands on this place. I think I might know a guy. I'm pretty sure that he'll do whatever he can to make sure that it ends up with it's rightful owners." Sam smiled. "Now why don't we go back in. I need to hit the road soon, I told Jess I'd be back by tomorrow afternoon."

"I guess now you don't have to worry about me being the better looking and more charming Winchester," Dean grinned.

"I think that opinions would vary on that one." Sam chuckled, following Dean to the cabin.

With hugs and a lot of thank you's, Sam was gone. Cas and Dean were finally crawling into bed. Dean knew that it might be little awhile before they could make love, but he didn't care, not as long as he could feel Cas close to him.

\-------------------------

"So, where do we go from here?" Cas asked quietly in the dark. "I'm not an angel anymore, I don't feel like a hunter..."

"I'm sorry that they have your...grace or whatever it was that made you an angel."

"I'm not. So many of the things that you said about them were true. I stopped being an angel when I realized that I need you, that I love you."

"I stopped being a hunter when I realized that I can't let that life keep taking people from me. You gave me that final hunt, and I can never thank you enough for it. You give me a reason to wake up in the morning, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to thank you for that. Where do we go from here? I don't know, baby. You heal, and I try to figure out how to become a respectable member of society."

"Not hunting doesn't automatically qualify you as respectable," Cas smiled.

"Says my tattoo covered kinky gay boyfriend," Dean grinned.

"Don't make me laugh," Cas chuckled. "It makes my neck hurt."

"That's going to be a pretty badass scar. What should we tell people? Barroom brawl? Gang initiation? Bad experience shopping on Black Friday?"

"Stop..."

The sound of Cas laughing was music to Dean's ears. He wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. Cas's lips were gentle when they pressed against Deans, slightly parting, inviting him to deepen the kiss. "Cas...I don't want to hurt you..." Cas slid his hand up Dean's chest and kissed him again, reassuring him that he was okay. They lost themselves in a haze of smooth hands and supple skin, their clothes sliding to the floor. It was gentle and slow, the sensitive skin of Cas's thighs pressed against Dean's hips, the rhythm fluid and sultry. Their bodies arched and rocked, full lips kissing and gently sucking. Soft moans and deep sighs filled the room with loving words and passionate promises. The friction became intoxicating. The pressure of Cas's hands against the dip in Dean's back pushing them, taking them to that place where, with trembling bodies, they felt the release engulf them in waves of pleasure as their sweat soaked bodies came together one last time. Dean relaxed in Cas's arms, chest against chest, their hearts pounding. He propped himself up on his elbows and searched the dark for Cas's eyes, "You want to know where we go from here? We don't go anywhere. I love you and I want to be right here, with you, in this glorified shed for as long as you'll have me. I don't ever want this feeling to end. Your heart beating against my chest...that's everything, Cas."


End file.
